my heart hurts today

I thought today was fine. I went to court for a speeding ticket, the price was not nearly as much as I thought it would have been, went into work and cleaned for hours, talked with loved ones and as I walked out the front door 10 hours later, I felt so lonely.

Let me start from where I think is the beginning....
My dear friend, Tanner, came into the spa today to scan a document to email to his father. I could tell that something was making him sad so I asked him if he was okay. He said no, he was sad/upset about something going on in his relationship. As he spoke to me about his problem with his girlfriend, it stung with the painful memory of how Lucas treated me. I tried to push these memories back down my throat as he pore his feelings. I gave him the best advise I wish I could have given myself three years ago and the hurt in his face just exploded my heart.

Its ironic how today, out of all the days Tanner could have come in, Lucas was leaving town to Alaska again for months. I thought that he would have at least text me to say goodbye or shown he cared one last time but again, I've been disappointment with the thought of how great this kid could be. As the hours passed my phone remain lifeless. I am reminded of the regret that Lucas is to me.

This town feels so empty to me now. Before there was a pungent hope that lingered around me but now that "hope" is gone. I am also scared because now its time to stop running from these feelings toward him and face myself. What is it about Lucas, or every guy I date, that I am missing? What void am I failing to fill and how the fuck can I rid myself of this stabbing feeling?

When talking with Tanner it was so easy as an outsider to look in and know exactly the reason why he is dating this girl... to know the hurt and neglect he caused to so many while trapped in his drug phase. I need someone to step in and face me with my facts. I am so cloudy and confused that I think sex is love? David? I really thought for 2 days that I loved David, then today when this pain boiled out my eyes.

I want to be whole again. I want to enjoy real simple things like watching a smile crack across my grandma's face or laying my head in my moms lap while her silk hands brush my pain way. I want to be home and have the warm smells embrace me. Its been years since I've felt in the right, safe place. The second my feet escape my covers in the morning I feel like I'm entering foreign terrain.

I need the familiarity for home. I need to move home. 12 more days.