So,
Lucas decided to call it quits again...
This time I only cried once and started punching a metal box outside the W Lounge while talking to my friend Brandi. Maybe it was the punching or maybe it is the hurt but I am emotionless when it comes to him now.
We did have a text conversation the other day when I was, out of nowhere, filled with sadness and he came into my head after a month of not talking. I pushed the notion to contact him back into my head and told myself not to act silly. After hours of this feelings not going way I decided I needed to check on him. Not more than a second passed after I sent the message, he sent one back. I asked if he was doing ok and he replied, telling me that he was alright. We talked for a little and then... I said goodbye. I literally said goodbye. Not only to him but to him in my life. That night as I laid in bed all the mean, hurtful, awful things that we have done to one another throughout our time together crossed my mind.
Toward the end I decided the only thing that I wanted to give Lucas was my love. So, for the last two weeks thats all I did. I bought him little gifts I saw around town if they reminded him of me, I would text him throughout the day to see how he was doing and when I left him in the morning I would kiss his forehead. I did exactly what I told myself I was going to do and he just ran from me... this whole entire time I have been playing our problems back and forth in my head and please dont get me wrong, I know the mistakes I've made but loving him? That was no mistake and then my heart just shattered for him because it hit me so hard I literally stopped in my tracks walking into school...
How the hell can you except love when you dont love yourself?
Now, I have been told this over and over in my life but NEVER have I experienced it. And being told something and living it are two different things.
The only problem I can honestly see for me and Lucas is that I love him so deeply and he deosnt feel like he deserves it? That or, I will probably make more money than him someday and thats intimidating, or that his wiener never really got hard? Im trailing off and it may be any number of these but I truly cannot explain the sadness that fell over me that day and the hurt that I've felt these past weeks.
I am so happy in my life right now. I have come to terms that things will probably never work out the way I want them, doesnt mean that they are not right? But all and all, I am happy. Then, somedays I would get this cloud that would hang over me and when I tried to explain it anyone else they never could relate. Until I told Teri about them...
She told me that when people are close, we are connected to them. Even if that person is not in your life anymore, you are still connected. The sadness I was feeling was from him. I know this sounds so far fetched but I do not want to feel this anymore. I dont want to be dragged down or beaten up over this anymore. Three years is enough to be constantly pushed way from someone who doesnt even what they want, he knows he doesnt want to be with me but he also knows that he does want me in life. Thats just not fair to me.
And I have to confess something as well, when I think about him now I almost get a little turned off? I dont know how to explain this either! I have been so attracted to him for so long and now I get sick when I think about him?! COME ON HOW IS THAT FAIR!? Oh just the best sex ever and now I cannot even fathom the thought of being in the same room with him?
Im Fucked Up... for more reason than the one reason I just stated.
Now, the pain and hurt that Lucas has caused me doesnt go without its repercussions BECAUSE, this is the fucked up part, why do I think I need/deserve that in my life? Where, on my path, did I decide thats ok to be treated that way and that I dont deserve the love I give?
Now, that right there, something loving me the same amount as I loved Lucas? Scares the crap out of me. So, what am I getting at? In a nutshell, you and I my friend are ALL FUCKED UP. So how fucked up is it that GOD (or whatever) put a bunch of fucked up individuals on this earth to all potentially get along?
Ya, jokes on us right?
Im just being weird and tried so I am going to go to bed. And that last part, I dont really believe... just thought it was kinda funny. But no, I really believe that we are all fucked up and you know where that comes from? Our parents, so why would you ever want to make a baby to only fuck that thing up?
Crazy little thing we call life..
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