what i've done

This post is drastically different from my last posted on June 2nd. I painted a serendipitous picture of me and the man that I love, key words- MAN I LOVE.

This went really well for the first 2 weeks he was gone. He sent me nice texts, checked in with me every morning, called and told me he missed me daily. Now we fight all the time and I am starting to think its because he is talking to another woman... I know it might sound like I'm jumping to conclusions but there are several hints leading me to believe this.

hint#1- he doesnt contact me as much.
hint#2- doesnt ask for pictures anymore
hint#3- he isnt nice to me anymore
BIGGEST HINT- I got a text message from him the other night, out of the blue, saying "slap your tight little ass" than "and lick your tight little pussy"

correct me if I'm wrong but those sound like a response to a text. So I called him and he said that he just felt like saying that to me. Either he is a really bad liar or doesnt know how to form a sentence. Usually you started out with pronoun like "I" maybe follow it up with a "want", hell maybe through a "to" in there to make it a complete sentence.

Ok, so now that I've set up background story I can tell you what I have done.

I slept with someone else. I did it despite alaska ass hole and it also prove to myself that I can, indeed, sleep with someone else besides him. I feel like if he is sex texting another woman than surely I can get on someone else. I know this sounds like I'm in kindergarden and some kid pushed me off my swing so I find it ok to wipe my boogers on his desk top but I just cant be mad a fool out of this relationship. It has happened to me too many times to count!

The realistic thing to do is just stop this fantasy I have in my head about him and what will happen. I dont want to go see him anymore and I just dont want to talk to him.

I am one messed up individual.

my Alaskan lover

I dont even know where to start... 

I told you about Lucas before and I am sure I will continue to tell you about him. He left for Alaska yesterday and I couldnt have asked for a more perfect week with him.

We were almost inseparable but since 26th of may until the 1st of June he was mine. It was everything I wanted from him that I havent gotten in 2 years. He told me he loved me, I told him I loved him and I finally was able to spend the night at his house and actually sleep. I know this doesnt sound like a fete to the normal person but as you can tell, I am not close to being normal. He texted me the whole time he was traveling there and told me he was going to miss me so much. I have been dreading this time to come but deep down inside I knew it would be the best thing for our relationship... distance makes the heart grow fonder. 

But thats not to say I wont miss the hell out of him because I will and do. Its only day 1 and I cried, again, when I thought about him. I told him that I was going to wait for him and he told me he liked that idea. I dont think I have a boyfriend but I have someone I want to wait for? I know I dont want to sleep with anyone else but I cant say I will be thinking that 2 months from now... if I did I would only be thinking about him and that seems kinda pointless or morbid? 

I hope I go see him and I hope I am his last thought every night before he goes to be... or every dusk before he goes to bed. 

People always ask you if the person you are with makes you want to be a better person and I never really understood that question, until now. When someone asked me that recently I had to confess to myself that yes, Lucas does make me want to be a better person and now I understand. When I am with him I think about my future and how I need to get the ball rolling on school and my career and, shit I hate this, children... wow. I am in love. Im ready to give someone my heart and take theirs in return.

Now, if nothing becomes of this whole Lucas thing I will feel like a complete ass. Honestly, I dont see it ever ending though. He is always in my mind and always has been since to moment I hung out with him. 

Be safe my Alaskan Lover. Stay in love with me and when you come home I will make you so happy, I promise. 

xoxo