From the moment I laid my eyes on you I knew that our love would be the one to linger in my life.
This feeling I felt pierced my heart and the venom from that instantly stained my veins with thought of your touch.
The first time my flesh was bare in front of you; I saw the reaction my naked did to you, its been impossible to feel such comfort around anyone else.
Your lips fit inside of mine like a missing puzzle piece and since then I've not desired affection from anyone else.
I loved you so much for everything you were'nt and loving someone for what they are just isnt as passionate.
When your weighted body is on top of mine, the world stops and all my focus is forced to the pounding of your heart.
I've been tortured by the image of your body and I wake up in a panic at night remembering that you are not mine.
Just as you occupy every inch of my heart, someone else occupies yours making it incapable to love me.
I am yours. You're not mine.
_________________________________________________________________
Whoever you think I wrote that for, its a safe bet.
I went to see Teri last week and while talking with her I realized I need to be alone. I shared this thought with her and she was supportive of it. She told me that I need to contact Lucas and explain to him the situation, seemed fair.
I text Lucas and told him I loved him deeply but that at this time in my life I need to be alone, to grow. He agreed and we stopped talking.
I guess I could explain, again, why all of this is happening. There is this thought in my head that Lucas has not let go of a gal he use to date. My intuition has always been so strong and I always fight it.
I confronted Lucas about this feeling and he didnt deny it which in sense confirmed it. I quietly left his house and decided I need to eject myself from this situation before Tims wedding. Tim, Devins little brother who is good friends with Lucas, is getting married next weekend. Lucas will be there, of course, as well as his ex girlfriend. I understand ones love for their first love and how no one can take that spot in your heart but the pain of him wanting to be with her would kill me. So before the wedding, I cut off communication. I do not want to know if he spends time with her or miss's her or they get back together.
So, needless to say I am heartbroken but this is all very very good for me. I've been trying to force Lucas for so long to love me or want any inch of him to be with me and I cant. All I can do is let him go... let fate run its corse.
What I do know is that we somehow have this insane connection and if he is the only person I ever feel that for, I will be grateful to have felt it.
We once looked up our birthdays together in the relationship book and its was so true. It said that we have a "fate" like feel to our relationship and its serendipitous, we love each other deeply. We do love each other and thats never been the problem. The problem has been we are not ready. So I will go live my life and he will go live his and I am confidant that what is meant to be mine will not be withheld from me. Whether its him or not him, everything in my life will be perfect because I wont except anything less.
It was hard to get to this point but another thing that has been comforting me are other peoples love stories. Some, if not all, of the stories I'vd heard lately go to the tune of this:
They dated, decided that they needed to go separate ways but still kept in contact. A couple of years go by and they got back together and still, to this day, are together.
Its funny when we open our ears and hearts the confirmation we get that we are on the right track.
I am sure that Lucas will never set eyes on this blog (GOD PLEASE SAY HE WONT) but if he does please take one thing from it all:
My love for you in endless
I am here always
and if you are ever ready for me, I'll be ready for you.
Happy Valentines day everyone
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
WORD VOMIFUCKT!
My mind is running one thousand right now, I'm fuming but first things first:
If any of you are reading this and taking what I say to the tenth degree, please stop. Those of you who truly know me and can appreciate the pure humor of my life, such as myself, divulge. I am fine and am only saying what most of you think but in a less censored manor.
Ok, ah... I started hanging out with Lucas and it has been brought to my attention that the problem just might be him and I think that just might be right. What kind of a lady who has been dragged around for two god damn years would still talk to him? Well, I would say this lady but more like this old lady? If that makes sense. I've changed and I took it so seriously when I promised myself that I would only let people into my life that wanted to be in. I am not forcing anyone to be apart of me but I am a pretty damn fun, sexy and giving/forgiving person so FUCK OFF.
Second, I hate Jesse. I am sure most of you do not know who Jesse is but she is a mexican, I dont know if thats true or not (but she looks like one), who works with me. Months ago tips were being stolen from my work and the front desk staff was accused of this.
Jesse was convinced that we, the front desk, were the ones doing it and APPARENTLY she was telling my fellow co-works in the break room she it was me...
Have you ever been around someone and you can just smell the stench of hatred reeking from their body? Thats Jesse. There is only one other person whom I have come in contact with like this, Kyl Myers. I thought she was the only rotten bitch to rome this earth that people instantly and instinctively didnt like. Well, Kyl, you may have been topped. So if you were in fear of losing your crown, try a little harder, there is a new spawn in town.
Come to find out the tips were being stolen by our cleaning crew.
As Jesse was leaving the other day, before I found out she was talking shit (coward), she wanted to pay for a treatment she had just received. I told her that I wouldn't be able to ring her out because the computers were down. Laughing, she said, "Well, its not like you dont know where I work or anything.". The smart ass I am, I replied, "Yea, either that or I could just start stealing your tips...".
I took a mental picture of her face as she processed this exchange... She rolled her eyes and huffed, "We figured out it was the cleaning crew.". No shit sherlock?!
I am going to say something to her tomorrow when we work together. Not mean, not accusing. I really do just want to ask her what has made her such a miserable human being? And why the fuck doesnt she get help? Has no one brought your attitude to your attention before? Has the fact that you never get a repeat request ever fazed you? Its because you are stewing in your self-hatred and its affecting me you rotten hag!
I am convinced that if I stood behind a corner and splashed her with salt she would bubble up like a snail...
I would be content if mass amounts of salt got in her eyes temporarily making her blind. Either scenario is fine with me.
Guess what Jesse? If you have a problem with me, which you so obviously do, say it to my face, like I am going to say it to yours tomorrow. At least one of us is not a cowardly, shit talking, immigrant, whore.
I may or may not be taking some anger out on Jesse in this post but I can assure you that by tomorrow I will have regained my posher and will act like a LADY.
Had a great day. You have one too, tomorrow.
If any of you are reading this and taking what I say to the tenth degree, please stop. Those of you who truly know me and can appreciate the pure humor of my life, such as myself, divulge. I am fine and am only saying what most of you think but in a less censored manor.
Ok, ah... I started hanging out with Lucas and it has been brought to my attention that the problem just might be him and I think that just might be right. What kind of a lady who has been dragged around for two god damn years would still talk to him? Well, I would say this lady but more like this old lady? If that makes sense. I've changed and I took it so seriously when I promised myself that I would only let people into my life that wanted to be in. I am not forcing anyone to be apart of me but I am a pretty damn fun, sexy and giving/forgiving person so FUCK OFF.
Second, I hate Jesse. I am sure most of you do not know who Jesse is but she is a mexican, I dont know if thats true or not (but she looks like one), who works with me. Months ago tips were being stolen from my work and the front desk staff was accused of this.
Jesse was convinced that we, the front desk, were the ones doing it and APPARENTLY she was telling my fellow co-works in the break room she it was me...
Have you ever been around someone and you can just smell the stench of hatred reeking from their body? Thats Jesse. There is only one other person whom I have come in contact with like this, Kyl Myers. I thought she was the only rotten bitch to rome this earth that people instantly and instinctively didnt like. Well, Kyl, you may have been topped. So if you were in fear of losing your crown, try a little harder, there is a new spawn in town.
Come to find out the tips were being stolen by our cleaning crew.
As Jesse was leaving the other day, before I found out she was talking shit (coward), she wanted to pay for a treatment she had just received. I told her that I wouldn't be able to ring her out because the computers were down. Laughing, she said, "Well, its not like you dont know where I work or anything.". The smart ass I am, I replied, "Yea, either that or I could just start stealing your tips...".
I took a mental picture of her face as she processed this exchange... She rolled her eyes and huffed, "We figured out it was the cleaning crew.". No shit sherlock?!
I am going to say something to her tomorrow when we work together. Not mean, not accusing. I really do just want to ask her what has made her such a miserable human being? And why the fuck doesnt she get help? Has no one brought your attitude to your attention before? Has the fact that you never get a repeat request ever fazed you? Its because you are stewing in your self-hatred and its affecting me you rotten hag!
I am convinced that if I stood behind a corner and splashed her with salt she would bubble up like a snail...
I would be content if mass amounts of salt got in her eyes temporarily making her blind. Either scenario is fine with me.
Guess what Jesse? If you have a problem with me, which you so obviously do, say it to my face, like I am going to say it to yours tomorrow. At least one of us is not a cowardly, shit talking, immigrant, whore.
I may or may not be taking some anger out on Jesse in this post but I can assure you that by tomorrow I will have regained my posher and will act like a LADY.
Had a great day. You have one too, tomorrow.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Jordan Douglas Brown
Today is my most handsome, loveably, loyal, charismatic brothers birthday.
I cherish him and wanted to devote this post today to him.
Growing up my brothers were thick as thieves. I remember them never leaving each others sides and I so desperately wanted my sister and myself to be that way.
They spent endless days jumping on the tramp and as I watched them from below I could have sworn they would take flight, thats how powerful I thought they were.
They would build huts in the trees that lined our fence and as I watched them hammer I could have sworn they were building a castle.
They would piece together legos that ended up as space ships and as I would peek my little head through the cracks in the door I longed to be sitting next to them.
They had bunk beds that they would leap on and off of making a thud and a crash when playing. When they would zip out of their room I would crawl out of the bathroom down stairs. Trying to mimic their movements; I slowly and carefully scaled the side of the bunks I imagined they were there with me, playing.
I looked up to those boys thinking they were so big and indestructible. Now that I'm grown up I still think the same.
I watch Jordan with his wife and child hoping I could meet someone like him someday.
For those of you who do not know Jordan, I take pity on you. His enormous heart can be felt from the steps outside his house. His deep voice can hug you through the phone and his wisdom can he shared from all the walks of his life.
I am proud of you Jord and I think how sad and empty my life would have been if I didnt have a brother just like you to look up to growing up. I take pride in knowing that there is a small piece of you in me that will never be lost and sometimes my laugh turns into yours; flashing all the happy memories we've shared.
All those time you found me crying alone and your warm, generous arms cradling me, back and fourth, back and fourth while you said, "everything will be ok. shhhh, dont you cry.".
There is one memory that will never fade from my heart and want to share with all of you. I keep this close to me:
I was leaving school, weeping, from the news that I have cancer. Speeding home, my phone was loud with continuous phone calls from family and friends. I wanted to be alone to process the information that was just slapped across my face.
When I reached my house, relief washed over me because it looked empty and cold. Perfect for crying, alone. As I cracked the door open and lifted my head, my blurry eyes were filled with images of my family, everyone. Mom, John, Grandpa, Grandma, Liz, Jordan, Ty, Kiel and Gavin.
Stunned, we all just sat there staring at one another. I felt like no one wanted to move or touch me in fear they might catch my deadly, festering disease.
Jordan stood up and I felt my knees go weak but before I could completely let go, he was there holding me up. Slowly he whispered into my ear, "What are you scared of?".
I couldnt even answer, I just cried from the warmth of his embrace. All I wanted for that split second and second after that was for him to hold me and burn the cancer out of me.
Days later he approached me with a poem he wrote to comfort me, and it goes like this:
My Sister
I think of my sister, Jessica sitting at home
Sometimes I wonder, do you feel alone?
What does it feel like to be you?
I dont think that I would fit in your shoe
Are you having a hard time?
What god has done to you is a crime.
Does what happen to you give you a scare?
If you need anything, dont you worry, I'll always be there.
I hope you can beat this awful thing.
If so, my heart will sing.
But what happens if you dont?
I pray to god if anything happens to you, that wont.
I think to myself, do I have to worry now?
If not me then who, and how?
I love my sis
More and More with every hug, with every kiss.
You and I are attached genetically,
If it happened to you could it happen to me?
You helped me make some good changes and I thank you.
It makes me think what more I can do.
There are going to be some hard times ahead.
So lets make them good so there will be no dread.
I cant believe you might be dying from cancer.
And Hopefully soon the doctors will find an answer.
By: Jordan Brown
Beautiful huh? I will have you know, Jordan, that I read this poem every single day when I was sick.
I love you for ever, I like you for always and as long as I am living, my brother you will be.
I cherish him and wanted to devote this post today to him.
Growing up my brothers were thick as thieves. I remember them never leaving each others sides and I so desperately wanted my sister and myself to be that way.
They spent endless days jumping on the tramp and as I watched them from below I could have sworn they would take flight, thats how powerful I thought they were.
They would build huts in the trees that lined our fence and as I watched them hammer I could have sworn they were building a castle.
They would piece together legos that ended up as space ships and as I would peek my little head through the cracks in the door I longed to be sitting next to them.
They had bunk beds that they would leap on and off of making a thud and a crash when playing. When they would zip out of their room I would crawl out of the bathroom down stairs. Trying to mimic their movements; I slowly and carefully scaled the side of the bunks I imagined they were there with me, playing.
I looked up to those boys thinking they were so big and indestructible. Now that I'm grown up I still think the same.
I watch Jordan with his wife and child hoping I could meet someone like him someday.
For those of you who do not know Jordan, I take pity on you. His enormous heart can be felt from the steps outside his house. His deep voice can hug you through the phone and his wisdom can he shared from all the walks of his life.
I am proud of you Jord and I think how sad and empty my life would have been if I didnt have a brother just like you to look up to growing up. I take pride in knowing that there is a small piece of you in me that will never be lost and sometimes my laugh turns into yours; flashing all the happy memories we've shared.
All those time you found me crying alone and your warm, generous arms cradling me, back and fourth, back and fourth while you said, "everything will be ok. shhhh, dont you cry.".
There is one memory that will never fade from my heart and want to share with all of you. I keep this close to me:
I was leaving school, weeping, from the news that I have cancer. Speeding home, my phone was loud with continuous phone calls from family and friends. I wanted to be alone to process the information that was just slapped across my face.
When I reached my house, relief washed over me because it looked empty and cold. Perfect for crying, alone. As I cracked the door open and lifted my head, my blurry eyes were filled with images of my family, everyone. Mom, John, Grandpa, Grandma, Liz, Jordan, Ty, Kiel and Gavin.
Stunned, we all just sat there staring at one another. I felt like no one wanted to move or touch me in fear they might catch my deadly, festering disease.
Jordan stood up and I felt my knees go weak but before I could completely let go, he was there holding me up. Slowly he whispered into my ear, "What are you scared of?".
I couldnt even answer, I just cried from the warmth of his embrace. All I wanted for that split second and second after that was for him to hold me and burn the cancer out of me.
Days later he approached me with a poem he wrote to comfort me, and it goes like this:
My Sister
I think of my sister, Jessica sitting at home
Sometimes I wonder, do you feel alone?
What does it feel like to be you?
I dont think that I would fit in your shoe
Are you having a hard time?
What god has done to you is a crime.
Does what happen to you give you a scare?
If you need anything, dont you worry, I'll always be there.
I hope you can beat this awful thing.
If so, my heart will sing.
But what happens if you dont?
I pray to god if anything happens to you, that wont.
I think to myself, do I have to worry now?
If not me then who, and how?
I love my sis
More and More with every hug, with every kiss.
You and I are attached genetically,
If it happened to you could it happen to me?
You helped me make some good changes and I thank you.
It makes me think what more I can do.
There are going to be some hard times ahead.
So lets make them good so there will be no dread.
I cant believe you might be dying from cancer.
And Hopefully soon the doctors will find an answer.
By: Jordan Brown
Beautiful huh? I will have you know, Jordan, that I read this poem every single day when I was sick.
I love you for ever, I like you for always and as long as I am living, my brother you will be.
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