its a 10/10/10 to remember...

It started at 12:00am last night as I was driving home from cosmic bowling. A little drunk mixed with diarrhea and extremely fed up I text the man I have been dating (and by dating I mean sleeping with because what man takes any woman serious these days). In short I told him I was worth more than just a "casual fuck" and I know saying it is only half the battle, believing it might just get a man to take me serious. ANYWAYS the outcome wasn't what I wanted. I wanted him to tell me that I was right and "yes dear, I will take you serious." This was the REAL outcome, "I treat you good". Oh thats right, you do. You treat me so good when Im naked and laying down but when I am not in front of you and mouth opens and words start spilling out you just dont know how to handle me.

This morning I woke up feeling hurt, alone and completely unloved. I pealed myself out of my bed, rolled into the bathroom and made myself somewhat ready for the mess of a day to come. I walked outside to my car to go to work. When I arrived at the driver side door to plop my happy ass in the seat my hand ran across egg... tears streamed out of my eyes. I just got dumped for the one millionth time last night and to confirm my thoughts, someone egged my car. I turned to my not so loving mother to comfort me which was mistake number one. Refer back to my first blog: my mom is skinny now so apparently that gives you leeway to lose your soul. She just told me that pay back is a bitch and she remembers a time not too long ago when I egged someone.

Broken down and blurry-eyed I drove to work praying to good a small child or car didn't cross my path. When I got to work all hopes of a normal, functional day was lost. Stefi was working... if I haven't told you about her, thank your lucky stars. In short, nothing was done. On the verge of a mental break down I went in the back to collect my thoughts and right when I saw my dear friend Brandi, I lost it. I blamed my crying on the rooms not being assigned to the massage therapists. She saw through it, I confessed my secret to her and left to wash my car.

I get to the car wash and it takes longer to get egg off than I thought, who fucking knew. A car pulls up behind me, waiting to get washed. I walk over to the driver and inform him that I will be awhile because I have been egged. He smiles, "Its ok, I am not in a hurry. Im just enjoying the view..."
The view of the foam flowing off my car, the view of 300s or the view of my ass and revealing shirt? Speechless and feeling less than I did 12 hours ago, I walked back to my car, open the door to get in, bashing my head on the side of my car getting in and drove off. Foaming was blowing in the wind as I sped off, crying again. Not even old men respect me. I swear I wear a "Kick Me" sign on my back sometimes.
Im broken down, beaten and just want to crawl into a hole until I meet someone worth spending time with. Am I alone in this?

what you need is what you haven't found

This is the first of many journal entries here on this new blog of mine. I am going to write my thoughts, desires, mistakes, wishes and pretty much just confide in you, whoever you might be.

My mom had gastric bypass a little over a year ago. Along with losing a significant about of weight she also lost her tact. She now says really inappropriate things towards my sister and myself. I plan on posting those as they come... 

Odd and not so fun things happen to me daily so i will for sure fill you in on those as the weeks pass. 

About two days ago I decided to do some cleaning up of my phone numbers. As I scrolled through my phone I deleted all the men off my "avoid" list, men I hadn't talk to in a while and girls that I just could care less if there name graced my phone list.  Come to find out, that was pointless. 48 hours from when I removed the numbers from my phone, all but 1 of those deleted numbers contacted me. This could have been dangerous because I had a potential stalker who contacted me a least once a day for the first 2 weeks we knew each other, found out where I lived from a friend and staged "casual" run in at the gym. I knew not to respond to that unknown number for one reason, he  asks me the same question every damn time he text me. "Wanna go see a movie?" Hmmm, hell no! If I didn't say yes the first time, chances are the 20th time I wont want to go either.

You're probably wondering what my "avoid" list is and I am ashamed to admit if you are a man and you have chapped my ass more than once you get on the list. Sometimes I change it to the, "f*** ass" or" asshole so and so". A lot of the time I make a rhyme out of their name. Lets say your name is Nigel and you freaked the fuck outta me I would list you as "Never talk to Nigel" or "Never get a hint Nigel" this also makes things fun because its like a new person texting you every time!