Fire to dust, lovers to friends, why do all good things come to an end?

I am fighting myself lately and I dont even know about what? I just feel this inner battle and not being able to place a finger on it is driving me CRAZY! I have all these things I need to be accomplishing and all I can do is sit around and focus on how I dont have them? How weird is that? 

I sometime wish I could teleport to the 1920's when women were told who to marry and what to do. At-least than I would be giving a direction instead of standing still in one spot. 

I went out to the Great Salt Lake this last Saturday with a dear friend and i haven't been there for years. As a child my family would go there and I remember it being similar to the beach but to my sad surprise, it wasn't even close. Why is that everything seems so big and wonderful as a child but when you grow up you have to see the truth. 

I could waste hours as a kid playing and it was easy to enjoy the simple things. Poly Pockets were my staple, I washed my doodle bear at-least twice a day, my hunger could wait until I was done bouncing on the tramp and if I laid completely flat in the kiddy pool the water would lay across my face. Now, I scream because when you step on those damn polly pockets it hurts like hell, if I wait too long to eat I turn into a bitch from hell and my leg doesn't even fit in a kiddy pool. 

The things I miss most about being young and in my prime is not caring about men... all I needed was my girl friends and long summer days. I find it strange that all you want when you are young is to be older and when you are older all you want to do is be young. 

Just some food for thought... 

I have nothing bad/horrible to report about it. Life is ok right now. 

three little/big words

He is married. I was in my home town this weekend while he was getting married. I was getting drunk. Throwing up. Crying. Laughing. All in all it was a good weekend. 

I dont know if I am the only one who is reading my blogs over and over (probably) but I need to write about someone other than the man I claim to be in love with, if there is one thing all of my followers must know about me is that I claim to be in love with anyone. Once, when I was 13, I was convinced me and Nick Carter, from backstreet boys, were going to get married because our birthdays were on the same day and that made us born in the week of the genius, Aquarius and extremely fickle. Another thing you should know, my mom thought the Birthday Book (based on astrology) was the bible so everyone I have ever liked has been judge upon this book as well as the relationship book. As if I couldnt cast my own judgement, ya I am the creepy girl that asks your birthday even if you ask to just buy me a drink. I need to figure this shit out... ANYWAYS-

I will give you pref history of this man wait, boy, that I think I am in love with. I met him through an emotionally abusive boyfriend, it was his little brothers best friend, and I immediately was attracted to this youngster and I cant really tell you why... maybe because he is younger than me and I cant help but adore younger men or maybe it was the fact that he was so open about how attracted he was to me or maybe it was the fact that I always caught him looking at me. One will never know my insane attraction to this guy not even myself so thats why I find it so hard to tell him goodbye. 

Ok, I am totally getting side tracked. The first night we hung out was unexpected and dangerous, I was still talking to my ex. He took me into his room and as soon as the door was shut I dropped my pants and leaped on top of him. I started kissing him, trying to cocas him between my legs and he stopped me. Placing both of his hands on either side of my face he whispered, "I am not going to start it this way with you." I must have looked confused because he continued to explain, "this is how it happens with every girl and it never turns out right. This time I want it to be something more..." 

From that moment on he had me. He still had me when Devin, my ex at the time, wanted to get back together and I started to consider this... the youngster told me that he didn't care if Devin found out because he liked me so much and wanted to be with me. I hid each of them from one another for about a month than I decided to go with Devin... long story short about that fucker- didnt work out. 

So that leads me to this- I love the youngster. Its been about 4 years. 2 of those years not speaking because he had a girlfriend... that might be a lie. I did try to get him to come see me when they were together he would always respond saying, "you know how much I care about you and how attracted I am to you but I am with someone else." So, I tried to look on the bright side and tell myself atleast he was texting back?

They broke up and he found my number again. At this time in my life I was in love with someone else, it was totally one sided and please keep in mind I tell myself I love anyone, and brushed him aside. He kept trying to contact me and I ignored. 

PRESENT (finally) He told me two nights ago, 5/9/2011, that he loved me. This pissed me off for two reason, one he was highly stoned and it was bad timing. Me, being the gal I am, take those 3 words very seriously. Let me compare it something that might trigger some fear in all my reads that you could relate too: I have AIDS. I have CANCER. I died...... endless, anyways, I LOVE YOU freaks the fuck out of me. 

Now, the bad timing part. I just had my hopes and dreams stomped on when danny got married so this was leaving me very vulnerable. When the youngster said those words to me I started to cry, thank god all the lights were out, and it felt like I shit my heart out. Everything I ever said about him to anyone else, he told me he thought of me. It was amazing to finally have him tell me this after all these years and I felt like I could fly. Please, dont get your hopes up. Always expect the worst because than when you get the news and its not was bad as you thought, you wont be as disappointed. 

He didnt text me the next day. I text him and asked him if things are weird between us now and his response... "why".

When I texted him today his response... "who is this"

Oh, only the girl you supposedly LOVE, fucker. 

Now, here is my question to myself... how could I not absolutely despise those 3 words. 

what's meant to be yours will not be withheld from you...

Also, gods rejection is your protection but in this case it was not protecting me, its the man I am utterly and hopelessly in love with.

When I was 16 I met a man that was kind and soft. He was everything I didn't know I would want someday. When you are that young and careless you cant really appreciate something so golden and hidden from every lonely girl as age creeps up on us. I cannot express how hard it is to find a good  /MAN/- noun: an adult human male.  I feel it very necessary  to provide all of you readers the definition of a man because most days woman only encounter  /BOYS/- noun: a male child. 
Ok, my english lesson is over and back to the man that set the bar so high that no other boy can reach...
He is getting married this weekend and it is ripping my heart out. I always thought that I would be the lucky one to call him mine for all time and eternity, in sickness and in health and he would make his body mine... nope. Some pathetic, wanna be me is going to slowly and quietly whisper those sacred vows to him on their day.

My biggest argument is that this woman is way too young to appreciate something so good. Not only that, her family doesn't hold social status such as mine does and if I remember his family correct, that is a big deal to them. The rumor mill is churning out such hideous and embarrassing stories such as...

- her family isn't paying for anything and his family wouldn't have such an event go without the best of the best. so her grimy ass gets a free ride, literally, down a beautiful crisp wedding isle on her in-laws dime. thats just distasteful not to mention tacky.

-when she went wedding dress shopping she picked the first wedding dress she tried on. this is a simple sign of an immature bride. what woman doesn't already have something stunning in mind? oh, its just the first thing your new partner will see you in symbolizing  your worth to your husband. looks like she really cares about her worth... i bet it smells of moth balls

-she has black as one of her wedding colors. i know thats the latest trend and what the fuck not but seriously... black? a color that you wear to a funeral in respect of the deceased?

I feel that these are all very serious signs that he is miss placing his love and trust in the wrong girl. I was the one. Yes, i also was the one who fucked up but that doesnt mean that i've grown and truth be told he was always the one in the back of my mind.

So, now what is a girl to do in this situation? I cannot and will not call him and slap all of this in his face because I am sure that he is certain of his decision. I just need to let it go and I dont know why I am so positive that when they speak those words to each other and the pastor says, "you may now kiss your bride", i will be lost forever. pain will fill my heart and it will be locked away until the fateful day he comes back to me.
This situation has to be a movie that I can watch and take comfort in...