and sometimes this happens...

I slept with a 18 year old. I am 24. 

now that that's outta the way...  

he is my brother-in-laws little brother.

and have I mentioned I might have a crush on him? ya, this is messed up. 

p.s.s. he is avoiding me. 

wow my life is great, hows yours? if its shitty mine probably will make you feel better. 

I feel like this whole situation is justifiable because I have thought he was a babe since we've met. so maybe not justifiable but molesterish.  I'm so twisted! I think you could gather from all my blogs that I am fickle and its not that I really like him and I just cant understand why he doesn't like me? now, I'm crazy. I am wasting my time thinking about why an 18 year old doesn't like me when I should be thinking about how to mend the Alaskan man relationship... which is bad too. I am pretty sure that he has a crush on an 18 year old too, Danielle, whom is foul looking (to but it mildly).

She became interested in him through facebook and he started to like her, stopped everything with me to only get rejected by her. so naturally he came back to me... how am I involved in this sick facebook romance? ya, again, if you are feeling bad about your life please compare it to mine. 

oh, to help me get over my crush on the child I slept with someone else. his name hasn't been mentioned on here before so I will just keep it that way. lets just say it didn't work and now I am deeming myself a whore. no, no, a heartless whore. I mean heaven forbid Lucas talk to another woman while I'm out laying on top of 18 year olds and no namers. 

i am sure i could write more but i am too tired. 

what i've done

This post is drastically different from my last posted on June 2nd. I painted a serendipitous picture of me and the man that I love, key words- MAN I LOVE.

This went really well for the first 2 weeks he was gone. He sent me nice texts, checked in with me every morning, called and told me he missed me daily. Now we fight all the time and I am starting to think its because he is talking to another woman... I know it might sound like I'm jumping to conclusions but there are several hints leading me to believe this.

hint#1- he doesnt contact me as much.
hint#2- doesnt ask for pictures anymore
hint#3- he isnt nice to me anymore
BIGGEST HINT- I got a text message from him the other night, out of the blue, saying "slap your tight little ass" than "and lick your tight little pussy"

correct me if I'm wrong but those sound like a response to a text. So I called him and he said that he just felt like saying that to me. Either he is a really bad liar or doesnt know how to form a sentence. Usually you started out with pronoun like "I" maybe follow it up with a "want", hell maybe through a "to" in there to make it a complete sentence.

Ok, so now that I've set up background story I can tell you what I have done.

I slept with someone else. I did it despite alaska ass hole and it also prove to myself that I can, indeed, sleep with someone else besides him. I feel like if he is sex texting another woman than surely I can get on someone else. I know this sounds like I'm in kindergarden and some kid pushed me off my swing so I find it ok to wipe my boogers on his desk top but I just cant be mad a fool out of this relationship. It has happened to me too many times to count!

The realistic thing to do is just stop this fantasy I have in my head about him and what will happen. I dont want to go see him anymore and I just dont want to talk to him.

I am one messed up individual.

my Alaskan lover

I dont even know where to start... 

I told you about Lucas before and I am sure I will continue to tell you about him. He left for Alaska yesterday and I couldnt have asked for a more perfect week with him.

We were almost inseparable but since 26th of may until the 1st of June he was mine. It was everything I wanted from him that I havent gotten in 2 years. He told me he loved me, I told him I loved him and I finally was able to spend the night at his house and actually sleep. I know this doesnt sound like a fete to the normal person but as you can tell, I am not close to being normal. He texted me the whole time he was traveling there and told me he was going to miss me so much. I have been dreading this time to come but deep down inside I knew it would be the best thing for our relationship... distance makes the heart grow fonder. 

But thats not to say I wont miss the hell out of him because I will and do. Its only day 1 and I cried, again, when I thought about him. I told him that I was going to wait for him and he told me he liked that idea. I dont think I have a boyfriend but I have someone I want to wait for? I know I dont want to sleep with anyone else but I cant say I will be thinking that 2 months from now... if I did I would only be thinking about him and that seems kinda pointless or morbid? 

I hope I go see him and I hope I am his last thought every night before he goes to be... or every dusk before he goes to bed. 

People always ask you if the person you are with makes you want to be a better person and I never really understood that question, until now. When someone asked me that recently I had to confess to myself that yes, Lucas does make me want to be a better person and now I understand. When I am with him I think about my future and how I need to get the ball rolling on school and my career and, shit I hate this, children... wow. I am in love. Im ready to give someone my heart and take theirs in return.

Now, if nothing becomes of this whole Lucas thing I will feel like a complete ass. Honestly, I dont see it ever ending though. He is always in my mind and always has been since to moment I hung out with him. 

Be safe my Alaskan Lover. Stay in love with me and when you come home I will make you so happy, I promise. 

xoxo 

Fire to dust, lovers to friends, why do all good things come to an end?

I am fighting myself lately and I dont even know about what? I just feel this inner battle and not being able to place a finger on it is driving me CRAZY! I have all these things I need to be accomplishing and all I can do is sit around and focus on how I dont have them? How weird is that? 

I sometime wish I could teleport to the 1920's when women were told who to marry and what to do. At-least than I would be giving a direction instead of standing still in one spot. 

I went out to the Great Salt Lake this last Saturday with a dear friend and i haven't been there for years. As a child my family would go there and I remember it being similar to the beach but to my sad surprise, it wasn't even close. Why is that everything seems so big and wonderful as a child but when you grow up you have to see the truth. 

I could waste hours as a kid playing and it was easy to enjoy the simple things. Poly Pockets were my staple, I washed my doodle bear at-least twice a day, my hunger could wait until I was done bouncing on the tramp and if I laid completely flat in the kiddy pool the water would lay across my face. Now, I scream because when you step on those damn polly pockets it hurts like hell, if I wait too long to eat I turn into a bitch from hell and my leg doesn't even fit in a kiddy pool. 

The things I miss most about being young and in my prime is not caring about men... all I needed was my girl friends and long summer days. I find it strange that all you want when you are young is to be older and when you are older all you want to do is be young. 

Just some food for thought... 

I have nothing bad/horrible to report about it. Life is ok right now. 

three little/big words

He is married. I was in my home town this weekend while he was getting married. I was getting drunk. Throwing up. Crying. Laughing. All in all it was a good weekend. 

I dont know if I am the only one who is reading my blogs over and over (probably) but I need to write about someone other than the man I claim to be in love with, if there is one thing all of my followers must know about me is that I claim to be in love with anyone. Once, when I was 13, I was convinced me and Nick Carter, from backstreet boys, were going to get married because our birthdays were on the same day and that made us born in the week of the genius, Aquarius and extremely fickle. Another thing you should know, my mom thought the Birthday Book (based on astrology) was the bible so everyone I have ever liked has been judge upon this book as well as the relationship book. As if I couldnt cast my own judgement, ya I am the creepy girl that asks your birthday even if you ask to just buy me a drink. I need to figure this shit out... ANYWAYS-

I will give you pref history of this man wait, boy, that I think I am in love with. I met him through an emotionally abusive boyfriend, it was his little brothers best friend, and I immediately was attracted to this youngster and I cant really tell you why... maybe because he is younger than me and I cant help but adore younger men or maybe it was the fact that he was so open about how attracted he was to me or maybe it was the fact that I always caught him looking at me. One will never know my insane attraction to this guy not even myself so thats why I find it so hard to tell him goodbye. 

Ok, I am totally getting side tracked. The first night we hung out was unexpected and dangerous, I was still talking to my ex. He took me into his room and as soon as the door was shut I dropped my pants and leaped on top of him. I started kissing him, trying to cocas him between my legs and he stopped me. Placing both of his hands on either side of my face he whispered, "I am not going to start it this way with you." I must have looked confused because he continued to explain, "this is how it happens with every girl and it never turns out right. This time I want it to be something more..." 

From that moment on he had me. He still had me when Devin, my ex at the time, wanted to get back together and I started to consider this... the youngster told me that he didn't care if Devin found out because he liked me so much and wanted to be with me. I hid each of them from one another for about a month than I decided to go with Devin... long story short about that fucker- didnt work out. 

So that leads me to this- I love the youngster. Its been about 4 years. 2 of those years not speaking because he had a girlfriend... that might be a lie. I did try to get him to come see me when they were together he would always respond saying, "you know how much I care about you and how attracted I am to you but I am with someone else." So, I tried to look on the bright side and tell myself atleast he was texting back?

They broke up and he found my number again. At this time in my life I was in love with someone else, it was totally one sided and please keep in mind I tell myself I love anyone, and brushed him aside. He kept trying to contact me and I ignored. 

PRESENT (finally) He told me two nights ago, 5/9/2011, that he loved me. This pissed me off for two reason, one he was highly stoned and it was bad timing. Me, being the gal I am, take those 3 words very seriously. Let me compare it something that might trigger some fear in all my reads that you could relate too: I have AIDS. I have CANCER. I died...... endless, anyways, I LOVE YOU freaks the fuck out of me. 

Now, the bad timing part. I just had my hopes and dreams stomped on when danny got married so this was leaving me very vulnerable. When the youngster said those words to me I started to cry, thank god all the lights were out, and it felt like I shit my heart out. Everything I ever said about him to anyone else, he told me he thought of me. It was amazing to finally have him tell me this after all these years and I felt like I could fly. Please, dont get your hopes up. Always expect the worst because than when you get the news and its not was bad as you thought, you wont be as disappointed. 

He didnt text me the next day. I text him and asked him if things are weird between us now and his response... "why".

When I texted him today his response... "who is this"

Oh, only the girl you supposedly LOVE, fucker. 

Now, here is my question to myself... how could I not absolutely despise those 3 words. 

what's meant to be yours will not be withheld from you...

Also, gods rejection is your protection but in this case it was not protecting me, its the man I am utterly and hopelessly in love with.

When I was 16 I met a man that was kind and soft. He was everything I didn't know I would want someday. When you are that young and careless you cant really appreciate something so golden and hidden from every lonely girl as age creeps up on us. I cannot express how hard it is to find a good  /MAN/- noun: an adult human male.  I feel it very necessary  to provide all of you readers the definition of a man because most days woman only encounter  /BOYS/- noun: a male child. 
Ok, my english lesson is over and back to the man that set the bar so high that no other boy can reach...
He is getting married this weekend and it is ripping my heart out. I always thought that I would be the lucky one to call him mine for all time and eternity, in sickness and in health and he would make his body mine... nope. Some pathetic, wanna be me is going to slowly and quietly whisper those sacred vows to him on their day.

My biggest argument is that this woman is way too young to appreciate something so good. Not only that, her family doesn't hold social status such as mine does and if I remember his family correct, that is a big deal to them. The rumor mill is churning out such hideous and embarrassing stories such as...

- her family isn't paying for anything and his family wouldn't have such an event go without the best of the best. so her grimy ass gets a free ride, literally, down a beautiful crisp wedding isle on her in-laws dime. thats just distasteful not to mention tacky.

-when she went wedding dress shopping she picked the first wedding dress she tried on. this is a simple sign of an immature bride. what woman doesn't already have something stunning in mind? oh, its just the first thing your new partner will see you in symbolizing  your worth to your husband. looks like she really cares about her worth... i bet it smells of moth balls

-she has black as one of her wedding colors. i know thats the latest trend and what the fuck not but seriously... black? a color that you wear to a funeral in respect of the deceased?

I feel that these are all very serious signs that he is miss placing his love and trust in the wrong girl. I was the one. Yes, i also was the one who fucked up but that doesnt mean that i've grown and truth be told he was always the one in the back of my mind.

So, now what is a girl to do in this situation? I cannot and will not call him and slap all of this in his face because I am sure that he is certain of his decision. I just need to let it go and I dont know why I am so positive that when they speak those words to each other and the pastor says, "you may now kiss your bride", i will be lost forever. pain will fill my heart and it will be locked away until the fateful day he comes back to me.
This situation has to be a movie that I can watch and take comfort in...