I have thought about this for a really, REALLY, really long time now. You are doing a serious disservice to the rest of us. Lets say you dated someone for one year and during that year, unbeknownst to them, you never climaxed. You hooted and hollered while having sex, saying every nasty thing in the book just to help his ego. Trust me, none of them need help boosting their egos especially if they "think" they are a sex god.
Now the relationship is bound to go south. Eventually you will break up. You met up with all your girlfriends and comfort yourself in saying, "It's ok because she never actually got me off.". Understandable to be pissed about it and also at yourself. It would have taken you one time having sex with a guy to setup your preference. I know its intimidating but it must be done.
Now lets talk about the horrible damage you've done for the man and the next woman will not be thanking any lucky stars you had him first.
The "ex" talk is bound to happen when you start seeing someone new and most times men will say (before you read this part please read with any annoying voice you choose), "I always gave her an orgasm." I always get a little smirk on my face if anyone ever says this to me because no, you did not always give her an orgasm. This also tells me I do not want to have sex with this person...
But I get turned on while making out blah blah blah and one things turns into another and suddenly I'm naked? Their naked too? They insert their member and suddenly I feel like I entered a bounce house filled with 10 screaming, clawing children. Men, you cannot bounce an orgasm out of someone! Also, your dick doesn't twirl. What is that? Like when the guy is on-top of you and all the sudden he starts swaying and swing his hips like hes ho-la hooping? Hello, your dick does not motion your hips and I can assure you this will make any gal giggle.
Also, I know very little girls who like their hair pulled, tugged, maybe. But dont treat us like a horse you're riding. Lifting your hand full of our hair up and down, side to side, twirling and flinging, JUST PISSES THE HELL OUT OF ME! Not only is it messing it up that shit hurts to comb out.
I could go into much, much deeper but I just wanted to voice the seriousness of this problem... no a huge epidemic, men thinking they know how to give a gal an orgasm. Its not so easy for us, guys. Our vaginas are not like your penis's, not anything will stimulate it and we are not ever so uncontrollably horny that we will lower our standers to sleep with you.
Sex with any girl should and is a privilege. Also, actually giving someone an orgasm is a feat and one most of you have yet to accomplish. If any men reads this, just follow my advise ok? We dont like not knowing if you are having a seizure on top of us or is that convulsing really feels good to you.
Im done.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Two and a half years of hell
Devin Richard Rasmussen...
Six months into any relationship you are still on your best behavior for that person, pretending to be something you want them to see and as time goes on that person you first met probably doesnt stray to far from that "pretend" person but Devin turned into your typical "A" asshole.
We were at his friend Steves house. I was sitting there in a dark, disgusting appartment with a fake smile plastered on my face. Devin was there to smoke weed and I am assuming Steves roommate was a dealer because he looked like a five year old whose body had been stretched to make him 6 feet tall. The dealer had long hair that had been combed in days and teeth that looked like carpet had started growing in the cracks. I was expecting a cockroach to crawl out of his nose and burry its crunchy body in his hair. I could describe this man for days so I will stop there, needless to say it was not a place where I fit in. The drug dealers girlfriend kept on trying to befriend me and find common grounds but she stopped when she noticed my body slowly leaning away from her.
As they were passing the pipe around the room the drug dealers girlfriend handed it to me and as I handed it to Devin everyone took a deep breathe as if I had offened someone. Looking around the room at their faces they were baffled and confused why I didnt take a puff. HELLO! Do I look like I fit in with you? Does it look like my life is anyway shape or form turning into your life anytime soon? Please, then the drug dealers girlfriend really didnt want anything to do with me. Devin said, "ya, jess doesnt smoke." They all kinda laughed and I thought this whole interchange was hilarious! So here I am, miss princess jess wearing my true religion jeans, nice shirt and my ALDO flats, completely out numbered. It was right then and there I decided never to go into a drug dealers house again. The world as I knew it completely shifted. I was the minority and heaven forbid you take care of yourself. It must be in a drug dealer hand book,
"Thou shalt not brush your teeth. Drug resin can attach to teeth being able to make your high last longer.
Thou shalt not clean your countertops. Drug particles settle on undusted surfaces.
Thou shalt not take showers. This makes your customers not want to be around you long thus making more time for you and your drugs.
Thou shalt only date women who resemble you and could be mistaken for your 12 year old sister. Cops are kinder to kids
And if a non user comes to your house they are the minority."
Ok, I got sidetracked... After getting made fun of because I dont "smoke the dope" I started looking at Devins phone. Now, I know this sounds bad but I was only looking as research. I wanted to see the pictures I sent him so that I could come up with some new "looks" for furture ones. As I was scrolling through the pictures I noticed one flat assed "white" girl bending over that was so clearly not me. So I went into the data on this image and the picture was sent 1 week prior... we had been dating for 6 months. I placed the phone on his lap with the picture open. His high eyes and high brain couldn't process everything going on and he said this to me, "Baby, thats you."
HELLO JACKASS! I'VE GROWN UP WITH MY ASS, I'VE WIPPED THIS ASS FOR YEARS, MY ASS IS MY DAMN NEAR BEST FRIEND AND THAT BITCH ANIT' GOT NOTHING ON THIS ASS OF MINE!!!!!! Thats what I wanted to say, instead my eyes were filling up with tears so I walked out. His high, lanky, stumbling body came crawling out after me. I stood next to his car and he unlocked it and we both got in.
It was silent and I had my head leaned against the window. I couldnt stop the tears from bursting out the lump in my throat got larger and larger and there was no comforting or apology. The car didnt even come to a stop as I leaped out. Both of my brothers were standing outside and instantly they went towards his tan neon car but before they could get to him he sped off. Their next priority was me. Being overly dramatic, as always, I laid in my bed bawling and Jordan came in, cradled me in his arms and told me its going to be ok.
Hours later I woke up from my crying comma. Immediately I crabbed my phone to see if Devin had contacted me. My phone was bone dry. Nothing! I called him so upset. Not only is he asking nasty trash girls to send him pictures but he didnt even call?!
"Hello", he said.
"What where you thinking Devin?"
"I wanted a picture of her so I asked her and she sent it. There is nothing else I can say and I am not going to apologize for it either. It happened."
I was speechless.
So, ask youself. Would you have left him? Sure, I bet any self respected girl would have but thats one thing that you all need to keep in mind. At this point I didnt have much self respect. I am not really sure what happened after that, its a blur. But we got back together and his dark evil hold got worse. Only because I set it up for him this way.
I will keep on posting stories about him because they are hilarious in there own way and secretly I would love Devin to read all of these.
Six months into any relationship you are still on your best behavior for that person, pretending to be something you want them to see and as time goes on that person you first met probably doesnt stray to far from that "pretend" person but Devin turned into your typical "A" asshole.
We were at his friend Steves house. I was sitting there in a dark, disgusting appartment with a fake smile plastered on my face. Devin was there to smoke weed and I am assuming Steves roommate was a dealer because he looked like a five year old whose body had been stretched to make him 6 feet tall. The dealer had long hair that had been combed in days and teeth that looked like carpet had started growing in the cracks. I was expecting a cockroach to crawl out of his nose and burry its crunchy body in his hair. I could describe this man for days so I will stop there, needless to say it was not a place where I fit in. The drug dealers girlfriend kept on trying to befriend me and find common grounds but she stopped when she noticed my body slowly leaning away from her.
As they were passing the pipe around the room the drug dealers girlfriend handed it to me and as I handed it to Devin everyone took a deep breathe as if I had offened someone. Looking around the room at their faces they were baffled and confused why I didnt take a puff. HELLO! Do I look like I fit in with you? Does it look like my life is anyway shape or form turning into your life anytime soon? Please, then the drug dealers girlfriend really didnt want anything to do with me. Devin said, "ya, jess doesnt smoke." They all kinda laughed and I thought this whole interchange was hilarious! So here I am, miss princess jess wearing my true religion jeans, nice shirt and my ALDO flats, completely out numbered. It was right then and there I decided never to go into a drug dealers house again. The world as I knew it completely shifted. I was the minority and heaven forbid you take care of yourself. It must be in a drug dealer hand book,
"Thou shalt not brush your teeth. Drug resin can attach to teeth being able to make your high last longer.
Thou shalt not clean your countertops. Drug particles settle on undusted surfaces.
Thou shalt not take showers. This makes your customers not want to be around you long thus making more time for you and your drugs.
Thou shalt only date women who resemble you and could be mistaken for your 12 year old sister. Cops are kinder to kids
And if a non user comes to your house they are the minority."
Ok, I got sidetracked... After getting made fun of because I dont "smoke the dope" I started looking at Devins phone. Now, I know this sounds bad but I was only looking as research. I wanted to see the pictures I sent him so that I could come up with some new "looks" for furture ones. As I was scrolling through the pictures I noticed one flat assed "white" girl bending over that was so clearly not me. So I went into the data on this image and the picture was sent 1 week prior... we had been dating for 6 months. I placed the phone on his lap with the picture open. His high eyes and high brain couldn't process everything going on and he said this to me, "Baby, thats you."
HELLO JACKASS! I'VE GROWN UP WITH MY ASS, I'VE WIPPED THIS ASS FOR YEARS, MY ASS IS MY DAMN NEAR BEST FRIEND AND THAT BITCH ANIT' GOT NOTHING ON THIS ASS OF MINE!!!!!! Thats what I wanted to say, instead my eyes were filling up with tears so I walked out. His high, lanky, stumbling body came crawling out after me. I stood next to his car and he unlocked it and we both got in.
It was silent and I had my head leaned against the window. I couldnt stop the tears from bursting out the lump in my throat got larger and larger and there was no comforting or apology. The car didnt even come to a stop as I leaped out. Both of my brothers were standing outside and instantly they went towards his tan neon car but before they could get to him he sped off. Their next priority was me. Being overly dramatic, as always, I laid in my bed bawling and Jordan came in, cradled me in his arms and told me its going to be ok.
Hours later I woke up from my crying comma. Immediately I crabbed my phone to see if Devin had contacted me. My phone was bone dry. Nothing! I called him so upset. Not only is he asking nasty trash girls to send him pictures but he didnt even call?!
"Hello", he said.
"What where you thinking Devin?"
"I wanted a picture of her so I asked her and she sent it. There is nothing else I can say and I am not going to apologize for it either. It happened."
I was speechless.
So, ask youself. Would you have left him? Sure, I bet any self respected girl would have but thats one thing that you all need to keep in mind. At this point I didnt have much self respect. I am not really sure what happened after that, its a blur. But we got back together and his dark evil hold got worse. Only because I set it up for him this way.
I will keep on posting stories about him because they are hilarious in there own way and secretly I would love Devin to read all of these.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Last night I cried over a pillow
Yes, you read it right. I cried over the loss of my pillow. I left it at "someones" house and was going to go pick it up but they were not home. So, I guess I started to cry because I realized I dont want to see this person anymore and "it" has my pillow.
Ever since I started seeing Teri, my therapist, she has brought so much love in my life and has made me realize the beautiful person underneath the darkness that has been consuming my life since Devin left it. This year 2012 I promised myself that I would love so many more people and those who couldnt reflect that love dont deserve to be apart of this and I found out last night that the "it" person I am referring to doesn't reflect my love at all. It could just be that they are scared or it could just be that they honestly and wholly dont love me, which would be hard to swallow, but either way my life will inevitably go on.
Who wouldnt want my love? Or my sex? HA
I deleted my journal entries from all of 2010 on accident. I thought a long time ago I would be clever and file them in a folder named "art shit.". Well I guess I am just to sly for my own damn good because I so calmly placed that folder in my "trash" and hit then "empty trash" button. Then the seriousness of my actions sunk in. MY WORLD IS GONE! All my hate letters to Devin and all the scandals with nameless men, GONE! So I am going to attempt to recreate my 2010. This might be really good for my soul. I am sure my hate letters will not be nearly as cutting and angry seeing as I could careless about him now.
I could also make shit up like I got Nick Carter to finally fall in love with me. Or, I got pregnant and had not slept with anyone in months so this would mean that the second coming was coming and I would need to warn all of man kind of the end thus making me famous!
I know I haven't mention Devin much in this blog so what a perfect time to start....
So, I was desperately in love with Matt Pace and he was desperately drinking/smoking his life way. When he would call me at 12:00 at night I thought it was so endearing and "oh my god he is a skate boarder.". Ya, he was using me for my milk shake. I was so heartbroken that he didnt instantly fall in love with me and I remember writing in my journal these exact words, " I am ready. I am ready to have my heart broken and give my heart fully to someone." Guess what happened next? I meant that fucker, Devin Rasmussen and he did exactly what I asked for, plus some.
I was 18 just about to turn 19 and my friend Tacee called me home because there was some people over. I raced home day dreaming that it was Matt and when I opened the door my eyes fell upon a 6"2 body frame that weight about 120 pounds. Thinking this must be a joke or Matt started doing heroin, Devin turned around and said hi.
Devin was not nor was ever my type but he was so damn persistent and I blame it on that.
The first night we hung out I was repulsed by him and wanted to rip my eyes and ears out.
The second time we hung out I sat at the other end of the couch and his slender body kept on sliding closer to me so I sat on the floor.
The third time we hung out he came to my work to sell my drug addicted boss a playstation 360.
The fourth time we were suppose to hang out I conveniently left my phone at home and went to a party with my friend Alison. About to take my first shot Alison's phone rings. She answers a number she doesnt know and looks at me puzzled... it was Devin. Ok, not only did he really want to hang out with me hes a fucking stalker! I told her to tell him that we are at a party and that she couldnt find me. He told her that when she found me that I "NEEDED" to call him. I dont do well when people tell me I "need" to do something so I didnt.
Hours later and drunk in the passenger seat I told Alison to give me her phone. I swear it didnt even ring once before I heard him SCREAMING at me through the phone. It was right then and there I decided I liked him.
New years came along and he was in Canada so I decided it was ok to kiss someone else, harmless, but that really upset him. To be honest we never had the "relationship" talk so I thought I was free to do whatever. But as time went on he made sure to break down my self-esteem so much that I didn't want to do anything but hate myself.
Story to be continued... i gotta go to the gym.
Ever since I started seeing Teri, my therapist, she has brought so much love in my life and has made me realize the beautiful person underneath the darkness that has been consuming my life since Devin left it. This year 2012 I promised myself that I would love so many more people and those who couldnt reflect that love dont deserve to be apart of this and I found out last night that the "it" person I am referring to doesn't reflect my love at all. It could just be that they are scared or it could just be that they honestly and wholly dont love me, which would be hard to swallow, but either way my life will inevitably go on.
Who wouldnt want my love? Or my sex? HA
I deleted my journal entries from all of 2010 on accident. I thought a long time ago I would be clever and file them in a folder named "art shit.". Well I guess I am just to sly for my own damn good because I so calmly placed that folder in my "trash" and hit then "empty trash" button. Then the seriousness of my actions sunk in. MY WORLD IS GONE! All my hate letters to Devin and all the scandals with nameless men, GONE! So I am going to attempt to recreate my 2010. This might be really good for my soul. I am sure my hate letters will not be nearly as cutting and angry seeing as I could careless about him now.
I could also make shit up like I got Nick Carter to finally fall in love with me. Or, I got pregnant and had not slept with anyone in months so this would mean that the second coming was coming and I would need to warn all of man kind of the end thus making me famous!
I know I haven't mention Devin much in this blog so what a perfect time to start....
So, I was desperately in love with Matt Pace and he was desperately drinking/smoking his life way. When he would call me at 12:00 at night I thought it was so endearing and "oh my god he is a skate boarder.". Ya, he was using me for my milk shake. I was so heartbroken that he didnt instantly fall in love with me and I remember writing in my journal these exact words, " I am ready. I am ready to have my heart broken and give my heart fully to someone." Guess what happened next? I meant that fucker, Devin Rasmussen and he did exactly what I asked for, plus some.
I was 18 just about to turn 19 and my friend Tacee called me home because there was some people over. I raced home day dreaming that it was Matt and when I opened the door my eyes fell upon a 6"2 body frame that weight about 120 pounds. Thinking this must be a joke or Matt started doing heroin, Devin turned around and said hi.
Devin was not nor was ever my type but he was so damn persistent and I blame it on that.
The first night we hung out I was repulsed by him and wanted to rip my eyes and ears out.
The second time we hung out I sat at the other end of the couch and his slender body kept on sliding closer to me so I sat on the floor.
The third time we hung out he came to my work to sell my drug addicted boss a playstation 360.
The fourth time we were suppose to hang out I conveniently left my phone at home and went to a party with my friend Alison. About to take my first shot Alison's phone rings. She answers a number she doesnt know and looks at me puzzled... it was Devin. Ok, not only did he really want to hang out with me hes a fucking stalker! I told her to tell him that we are at a party and that she couldnt find me. He told her that when she found me that I "NEEDED" to call him. I dont do well when people tell me I "need" to do something so I didnt.
Hours later and drunk in the passenger seat I told Alison to give me her phone. I swear it didnt even ring once before I heard him SCREAMING at me through the phone. It was right then and there I decided I liked him.
New years came along and he was in Canada so I decided it was ok to kiss someone else, harmless, but that really upset him. To be honest we never had the "relationship" talk so I thought I was free to do whatever. But as time went on he made sure to break down my self-esteem so much that I didn't want to do anything but hate myself.
Story to be continued... i gotta go to the gym.
Friday, January 20, 2012
2012 according to me... jess b
Ok since I only have one year left to get this life right, according to the mayan calendar, I will set some unrealistic goals for myself. BUT before I tell you my goals I guess I should explain what has been going on since we last spoke...
Ok, Alaska, I went crazy. I drank the whole time I was there and tried to be overly dramatic and pushed Lucas away. Is anyone surprised? Im not but maybe because I know myself a lot better than any of you. I stop sleeping with Skylar (19 years old now... ya I know) hmmm, Oh ya, meant the supposed man of my dreams before I left for Alaska, Nick, who had really little balls, going to law school at columbia and was hairy but wouldnt and hadnt ever grown out his beard. Ya, I love hairy men so that should have been my sign or maybe the sign that he never called me when he was in town? Meh, oh well I am not too worried about it. Refuse to leave my abusive extremely slender ex boyfriend alone. I text him from time to time and tell him I miss his wiener but thats only to reassure myself that a man will still text me back. Hmmm, oh ya started drinking heavily and when I drank while sad I would end up cutting myself? Thats normal. My mom called me and told me in order to live in SLC still I would need to
A. Go see a psychologist
B. go see her old shrink
6 months later and medicated I am happy to say that I do NOT hurt myself anymore and am starting to love myself again. I am trying to think if I am missing anything.......
Oh, No match.com I am not that desperate, yet, but maybe someday soon.
So by the time I am almost 25 I have accomplished the following:
1. Went crazy
2. Work at a job that I will never move up in
3. Got a boob job (life long goal)
4. Almost have my hair covering my nipples
5. Managed to run every man i love out of my life
6. Stop bitting my nails
7. Take pills everyday to insure my sanity
8. Almost have an associates degree
9. Stop thinking that shoes will cure my life
10. and my mom paid of my car
Ok, resolution #1. I guess I am getting to the age that I need to date someone who is AT LEAST 1 year OLDER than me. I decided I am doing myself a disservice by sleeping with "boys". I recently read the book "The Male Brain" and it has helped me see into the brain of men. It also has me convinced I should not consider getting married until I am over the age of 35.
#2. Stop telling my mom shit. Especially when it come to whom I'm seeing or lack there of. I would say its once a month I get a call from her telling me that she knows so and so who married so and so and they are the nicest guy. As she is yaping my ear off about this prince charming, who I should have been nice to, I know that he is screwing an overweight nurse behind is wife's back. Oh, Im sorry? I should have snatched him up? Ya fucking right. Hey mom, I am fine not being married. IF you ever read this, I do love you so much just stop telling me how I let all the good ones go. There are no more good ones.
#3. Stop telling myself that I loved so many men. I was telling my dear friend, Brandi, a story about how in love I was with this kid and she stopped me and said, "I feel like you have been in deep love with so many people in your life." It hit me like a ton of bricks, I totally have but then when I think about it none of them ever gave me an orgasm? Weird, thats totally not love.
#4. Pay attention to myself. I wont elaborate on that one.
And remember my fair jess b, a way to a mans heart is his stomach, not your vagina. hehe
Hmmm, I think I've pretty much touched every subject on my mind.
I might make this blog public soon and if I do please do not take offense to any of the things I've posted about you. I love you all in your own way.
Ok, Alaska, I went crazy. I drank the whole time I was there and tried to be overly dramatic and pushed Lucas away. Is anyone surprised? Im not but maybe because I know myself a lot better than any of you. I stop sleeping with Skylar (19 years old now... ya I know) hmmm, Oh ya, meant the supposed man of my dreams before I left for Alaska, Nick, who had really little balls, going to law school at columbia and was hairy but wouldnt and hadnt ever grown out his beard. Ya, I love hairy men so that should have been my sign or maybe the sign that he never called me when he was in town? Meh, oh well I am not too worried about it. Refuse to leave my abusive extremely slender ex boyfriend alone. I text him from time to time and tell him I miss his wiener but thats only to reassure myself that a man will still text me back. Hmmm, oh ya started drinking heavily and when I drank while sad I would end up cutting myself? Thats normal. My mom called me and told me in order to live in SLC still I would need to
A. Go see a psychologist
B. go see her old shrink
6 months later and medicated I am happy to say that I do NOT hurt myself anymore and am starting to love myself again. I am trying to think if I am missing anything.......
Oh, No match.com I am not that desperate, yet, but maybe someday soon.
So by the time I am almost 25 I have accomplished the following:
1. Went crazy
2. Work at a job that I will never move up in
3. Got a boob job (life long goal)
4. Almost have my hair covering my nipples
5. Managed to run every man i love out of my life
6. Stop bitting my nails
7. Take pills everyday to insure my sanity
8. Almost have an associates degree
9. Stop thinking that shoes will cure my life
10. and my mom paid of my car
Ok, resolution #1. I guess I am getting to the age that I need to date someone who is AT LEAST 1 year OLDER than me. I decided I am doing myself a disservice by sleeping with "boys". I recently read the book "The Male Brain" and it has helped me see into the brain of men. It also has me convinced I should not consider getting married until I am over the age of 35.
#2. Stop telling my mom shit. Especially when it come to whom I'm seeing or lack there of. I would say its once a month I get a call from her telling me that she knows so and so who married so and so and they are the nicest guy. As she is yaping my ear off about this prince charming, who I should have been nice to, I know that he is screwing an overweight nurse behind is wife's back. Oh, Im sorry? I should have snatched him up? Ya fucking right. Hey mom, I am fine not being married. IF you ever read this, I do love you so much just stop telling me how I let all the good ones go. There are no more good ones.
#3. Stop telling myself that I loved so many men. I was telling my dear friend, Brandi, a story about how in love I was with this kid and she stopped me and said, "I feel like you have been in deep love with so many people in your life." It hit me like a ton of bricks, I totally have but then when I think about it none of them ever gave me an orgasm? Weird, thats totally not love.
#4. Pay attention to myself. I wont elaborate on that one.
And remember my fair jess b, a way to a mans heart is his stomach, not your vagina. hehe
Hmmm, I think I've pretty much touched every subject on my mind.
I might make this blog public soon and if I do please do not take offense to any of the things I've posted about you. I love you all in your own way.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
and sometimes this happens...
I slept with a 18 year old. I am 24.
now that that's outta the way...
he is my brother-in-laws little brother.
and have I mentioned I might have a crush on him? ya, this is messed up.
p.s.s. he is avoiding me.
wow my life is great, hows yours? if its shitty mine probably will make you feel better.
I feel like this whole situation is justifiable because I have thought he was a babe since we've met. so maybe not justifiable but molesterish. I'm so twisted! I think you could gather from all my blogs that I am fickle and its not that I really like him and I just cant understand why he doesn't like me? now, I'm crazy. I am wasting my time thinking about why an 18 year old doesn't like me when I should be thinking about how to mend the Alaskan man relationship... which is bad too. I am pretty sure that he has a crush on an 18 year old too, Danielle, whom is foul looking (to but it mildly).
She became interested in him through facebook and he started to like her, stopped everything with me to only get rejected by her. so naturally he came back to me... how am I involved in this sick facebook romance? ya, again, if you are feeling bad about your life please compare it to mine.
oh, to help me get over my crush on the child I slept with someone else. his name hasn't been mentioned on here before so I will just keep it that way. lets just say it didn't work and now I am deeming myself a whore. no, no, a heartless whore. I mean heaven forbid Lucas talk to another woman while I'm out laying on top of 18 year olds and no namers.
i am sure i could write more but i am too tired.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
what i've done
This post is drastically different from my last posted on June 2nd. I painted a serendipitous picture of me and the man that I love, key words- MAN I LOVE.
This went really well for the first 2 weeks he was gone. He sent me nice texts, checked in with me every morning, called and told me he missed me daily. Now we fight all the time and I am starting to think its because he is talking to another woman... I know it might sound like I'm jumping to conclusions but there are several hints leading me to believe this.
hint#1- he doesnt contact me as much.
hint#2- doesnt ask for pictures anymore
hint#3- he isnt nice to me anymore
BIGGEST HINT- I got a text message from him the other night, out of the blue, saying "slap your tight little ass" than "and lick your tight little pussy"
correct me if I'm wrong but those sound like a response to a text. So I called him and he said that he just felt like saying that to me. Either he is a really bad liar or doesnt know how to form a sentence. Usually you started out with pronoun like "I" maybe follow it up with a "want", hell maybe through a "to" in there to make it a complete sentence.
Ok, so now that I've set up background story I can tell you what I have done.
I slept with someone else. I did it despite alaska ass hole and it also prove to myself that I can, indeed, sleep with someone else besides him. I feel like if he is sex texting another woman than surely I can get on someone else. I know this sounds like I'm in kindergarden and some kid pushed me off my swing so I find it ok to wipe my boogers on his desk top but I just cant be mad a fool out of this relationship. It has happened to me too many times to count!
The realistic thing to do is just stop this fantasy I have in my head about him and what will happen. I dont want to go see him anymore and I just dont want to talk to him.
I am one messed up individual.
This went really well for the first 2 weeks he was gone. He sent me nice texts, checked in with me every morning, called and told me he missed me daily. Now we fight all the time and I am starting to think its because he is talking to another woman... I know it might sound like I'm jumping to conclusions but there are several hints leading me to believe this.
hint#1- he doesnt contact me as much.
hint#2- doesnt ask for pictures anymore
hint#3- he isnt nice to me anymore
BIGGEST HINT- I got a text message from him the other night, out of the blue, saying "slap your tight little ass" than "and lick your tight little pussy"
correct me if I'm wrong but those sound like a response to a text. So I called him and he said that he just felt like saying that to me. Either he is a really bad liar or doesnt know how to form a sentence. Usually you started out with pronoun like "I" maybe follow it up with a "want", hell maybe through a "to" in there to make it a complete sentence.
Ok, so now that I've set up background story I can tell you what I have done.
I slept with someone else. I did it despite alaska ass hole and it also prove to myself that I can, indeed, sleep with someone else besides him. I feel like if he is sex texting another woman than surely I can get on someone else. I know this sounds like I'm in kindergarden and some kid pushed me off my swing so I find it ok to wipe my boogers on his desk top but I just cant be mad a fool out of this relationship. It has happened to me too many times to count!
The realistic thing to do is just stop this fantasy I have in my head about him and what will happen. I dont want to go see him anymore and I just dont want to talk to him.
I am one messed up individual.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
my Alaskan lover
I dont even know where to start...
I told you about Lucas before and I am sure I will continue to tell you about him. He left for Alaska yesterday and I couldnt have asked for a more perfect week with him.
We were almost inseparable but since 26th of may until the 1st of June he was mine. It was everything I wanted from him that I havent gotten in 2 years. He told me he loved me, I told him I loved him and I finally was able to spend the night at his house and actually sleep. I know this doesnt sound like a fete to the normal person but as you can tell, I am not close to being normal. He texted me the whole time he was traveling there and told me he was going to miss me so much. I have been dreading this time to come but deep down inside I knew it would be the best thing for our relationship... distance makes the heart grow fonder.
But thats not to say I wont miss the hell out of him because I will and do. Its only day 1 and I cried, again, when I thought about him. I told him that I was going to wait for him and he told me he liked that idea. I dont think I have a boyfriend but I have someone I want to wait for? I know I dont want to sleep with anyone else but I cant say I will be thinking that 2 months from now... if I did I would only be thinking about him and that seems kinda pointless or morbid?
I hope I go see him and I hope I am his last thought every night before he goes to be... or every dusk before he goes to bed.
People always ask you if the person you are with makes you want to be a better person and I never really understood that question, until now. When someone asked me that recently I had to confess to myself that yes, Lucas does make me want to be a better person and now I understand. When I am with him I think about my future and how I need to get the ball rolling on school and my career and, shit I hate this, children... wow. I am in love. Im ready to give someone my heart and take theirs in return.
Now, if nothing becomes of this whole Lucas thing I will feel like a complete ass. Honestly, I dont see it ever ending though. He is always in my mind and always has been since to moment I hung out with him.
Be safe my Alaskan Lover. Stay in love with me and when you come home I will make you so happy, I promise.
xoxo
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