Yes, you read it right. I cried over the loss of my pillow. I left it at "someones" house and was going to go pick it up but they were not home. So, I guess I started to cry because I realized I dont want to see this person anymore and "it" has my pillow.
Ever since I started seeing Teri, my therapist, she has brought so much love in my life and has made me realize the beautiful person underneath the darkness that has been consuming my life since Devin left it. This year 2012 I promised myself that I would love so many more people and those who couldnt reflect that love dont deserve to be apart of this and I found out last night that the "it" person I am referring to doesn't reflect my love at all. It could just be that they are scared or it could just be that they honestly and wholly dont love me, which would be hard to swallow, but either way my life will inevitably go on.
Who wouldnt want my love? Or my sex? HA
I deleted my journal entries from all of 2010 on accident. I thought a long time ago I would be clever and file them in a folder named "art shit.". Well I guess I am just to sly for my own damn good because I so calmly placed that folder in my "trash" and hit then "empty trash" button. Then the seriousness of my actions sunk in. MY WORLD IS GONE! All my hate letters to Devin and all the scandals with nameless men, GONE! So I am going to attempt to recreate my 2010. This might be really good for my soul. I am sure my hate letters will not be nearly as cutting and angry seeing as I could careless about him now.
I could also make shit up like I got Nick Carter to finally fall in love with me. Or, I got pregnant and had not slept with anyone in months so this would mean that the second coming was coming and I would need to warn all of man kind of the end thus making me famous!
I know I haven't mention Devin much in this blog so what a perfect time to start....
So, I was desperately in love with Matt Pace and he was desperately drinking/smoking his life way. When he would call me at 12:00 at night I thought it was so endearing and "oh my god he is a skate boarder.". Ya, he was using me for my milk shake. I was so heartbroken that he didnt instantly fall in love with me and I remember writing in my journal these exact words, " I am ready. I am ready to have my heart broken and give my heart fully to someone." Guess what happened next? I meant that fucker, Devin Rasmussen and he did exactly what I asked for, plus some.
I was 18 just about to turn 19 and my friend Tacee called me home because there was some people over. I raced home day dreaming that it was Matt and when I opened the door my eyes fell upon a 6"2 body frame that weight about 120 pounds. Thinking this must be a joke or Matt started doing heroin, Devin turned around and said hi.
Devin was not nor was ever my type but he was so damn persistent and I blame it on that.
The first night we hung out I was repulsed by him and wanted to rip my eyes and ears out.
The second time we hung out I sat at the other end of the couch and his slender body kept on sliding closer to me so I sat on the floor.
The third time we hung out he came to my work to sell my drug addicted boss a playstation 360.
The fourth time we were suppose to hang out I conveniently left my phone at home and went to a party with my friend Alison. About to take my first shot Alison's phone rings. She answers a number she doesnt know and looks at me puzzled... it was Devin. Ok, not only did he really want to hang out with me hes a fucking stalker! I told her to tell him that we are at a party and that she couldnt find me. He told her that when she found me that I "NEEDED" to call him. I dont do well when people tell me I "need" to do something so I didnt.
Hours later and drunk in the passenger seat I told Alison to give me her phone. I swear it didnt even ring once before I heard him SCREAMING at me through the phone. It was right then and there I decided I liked him.
New years came along and he was in Canada so I decided it was ok to kiss someone else, harmless, but that really upset him. To be honest we never had the "relationship" talk so I thought I was free to do whatever. But as time went on he made sure to break down my self-esteem so much that I didn't want to do anything but hate myself.
Story to be continued... i gotta go to the gym.
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