Devin always accused me of cheating on him. If I went out to dinner with my grandparents I would be getting text from him asking how my new boyfriends dick tasted and how it felt kissing someone else's lips. I was mortified by some of the texts I would get from him being so accusatory that I couldnt respond thus making it worse.
When I would leave dinner with whomever I was with, He wouldnt answer. Then he would text me saying that hes tasting someone else's "thing" and that he would get back to me. This was a common exchange between the two of us. I would never accuse him of cheating on me though.
Devin and I broke up for two months once. This was the longest split we had ever had so thinking that it was over I was trying to move on. Devins little brother had an adorable friend, Lucas, who I was so sexually attracted to. If Lucas was ever over at their house I had to consciously force myself not to stare at him and day dream his body was on top of mine. It was so weird, from the second I met Lucas I wanted to jump his bones. So, naturally I went for him. I am ashamed and disgusted that I pursued him over Myspace. Ew, I am totally not one of those people but I was desperate for this little kid. He was 18? I totally have a "thing" for men younger than me. That started my seinor year in High School, Bryce, but thats a story all in its own and I will tell you that next. Or was it in 5th grade when I was in love with a 3rd grader? His name was Cannon?
Anyways, I told Lucas to call me sometime and he totally did. We text for a little bit and one night he asked me to come over to see him. I put on some tight white pants, small little sweater and floated over to his house. I had a very long conversation with myself in the car. Jess, you do realize that this kid is Devins friend. Do you realize that there is going to be a consequence and that you cannot have sex with him. I got out of my car and he was waiting for me outside and grab me right when he saw me...
The Lucas and Jess story has been told before to please refer back to three little/big words.
So, Lucas and I spent time together for about a month. All the while I was talking to Devin, not sleeping with Devin. I was completely infatuated with Lucas and was really confused on what I wanted. Devin is so clearly not my type but being with someone who was constantly bringing you down and then pulling you back up is addicting. It was a roller coaster ride that I was getting addicted to and the normalcy of Lucas just wasn't challenging my abused brain. As a heroin addict needs his drug, my low self esteem need Devins abuse.
I told Lucas that I cannot talk to him anymore and that I was going to give Devin a chance again. He asked me not to but that he also wasn't going to stop me. Not that he could have but I will soon regret my decision...
Six months back into the relationship was when Devin found out about me and Lucas. I knew that he was going to but I decided a while ago that what I did when I wasnt with Devin was none of his business. Paul, a mutual friend of theirs, got upset with Lucas one night and seeking revenge he told Devin about my little secret.
That night Devin and I had gotten in a fight, nothing new, and he told me to go fuck someone else. After hours of calming him down and reassuring him that I was not going to "fuck" someone else he said that he couldn't wait to spend the next day with me and he missed me, yadayada. At 12:03am I received a phone call from Devin. This was standard for him to call me while drunk/stoned to tell me how much he adored me and feeling particularly low, I had to answer to hear those empty words after our fight.
"Jess, Did you fuck Lucas?". Oh man. I was silent. He asked me over and over and over and I couldn't reply. He hung up. He called me back. "JESS, YOU SLUT. DID YOU FUCK LUCAS?!". Finally I mustard up the strength and muttered, "Yes. I slept with Lucas.". I could feel the fire through the phone that was going out his ears. The phone fell silent and I looked at the screen, He hung up.
For the rest of the night I called, and called, and called. He would either answer and hang up or just not answer. That night I was in such a panic over the thought of loosing Devin and also couldnt go back to Lucas because he started dated someone. I felt so alone and was trembling over the thought of what Devin was going to do to me.
The next day my pillows were crusted with tears and I couldnt stop weeping. I hadnt heard anything from Devin and he refused to talk to me. Around 11:30 that night he called me severely intoxicated and laid into me. Called me a slut and he was just another notch on my belt, I am a whore and I dont deserve to be with him. I silently agreed and took the beating like a sad little puppy. He told me that he would call me tomorrow and let me know if I he wanted to be with me anymore.
I didnt leave my room for 3 days. I just cried as this pain took over my body not making it able to breath. I crawled out of my bed and ran myself a bath. I floated in the water until I noticed the stinging of cold. It was nice to feel something, anything at all, from the bitter cold water that cuddle around my body. As I got out of the tub my phone ringing, it was Devin. He asked if he could come talk to me. I looked in the mirror and my eyes were so swollen from crying that it was embarrassing. Not really wanting to be seen, I agreed anyways.
He walked through my sliding glass door and my heart stopped as I noticed he too was crying. His slender body slid into my bed and he turned his back towards me. I instantly attached my body to his and held him so tight. Tears welled up in my eyes and I mummer over and over was, "I am so sorry. I love you so much.". We laid there for hours crying with each other and towards 2:00am he finally faced me. I took my finger and ran it over his tears, put them on my lips and went in to kiss him. He jerked his head away, "I dont want to kiss you, Jess. You have broken my heart.". Understandable, but doesnt mean it didnt hurt just as bad.
He was explaining to me how bad he was hurting and how all he wanted to do was talk to his best friend about this problem but I was his best friend. As he kept unraveling his last three days he told me towards the end he came up with a solution to our problem, a way to gain his trust back. My world as I knew it was not over and I was so thankful for the second chance.
He solution: "You either let me fuck you up the ass or find one of your friends so I can fuck them.".
I wish someone would have taken a picture of my face the instant he told me his solution. Speechless, I couldnt talk. All I did was look into his empty eyes and at the moment I could only see hatred in them towards me. He didnt want to gain trust, he wanted to gain sexual favors. I was disgusted for two reason:
1. This is not a normal, sane humans ultimatum
2. He honestly thought that I had no love for myself and kicked me while I was down
Needless to say I told him I wouldn't do either of those things to gain his trust because thats disgusting and foul for him to suggest such a thing. He stormed out of my house yelling, "You dont give a fuck about me or else you would do one!".
Ya Devin, you're right. I didnt give a fuck about you because I was giving too much of a fuck about my shattered heart.
The next day I called him to see how he was. "Did you think about which one you wanted to do?", the first thing he asked me. I said, "Dev, im not doing either."
"Well then we dont need to be talking right now then."
We didnt talk for a week...
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