A wise woman once told me...

I've decided to post a article of hope or be a bit brighter for a change.

My mom, among one of the smartest people I've had the pleasure of knowing, painted me a picture of hope in one of my gloom and doom episodes and it goes...

Our life is comparable to "marbles"

Close your eyes and picture a thousand of marbles standing still in a small area. You being the only white one surrounded by black marbles. A shift happens and you see all the marbles, including yourself, start to bounce off one another, rolling together or drifting until you settle back into a new position. You may miss the other marbles you were once with but nothing is permanent in this new situation. Sure enough as the sun rises, there will be another shift and marbles that were once together, drift apart, going to new marbles or settle back in with familiar marbles. 

So, life is not like a box of chocolates, life is like a room full of marbles. We cannot always determine where we are going or even who are with but we sure as hell can return at any point we have once been. 

my heart hurts today

I thought today was fine. I went to court for a speeding ticket, the price was not nearly as much as I thought it would have been, went into work and cleaned for hours, talked with loved ones and as I walked out the front door 10 hours later, I felt so lonely.

Let me start from where I think is the beginning....
My dear friend, Tanner, came into the spa today to scan a document to email to his father. I could tell that something was making him sad so I asked him if he was okay. He said no, he was sad/upset about something going on in his relationship. As he spoke to me about his problem with his girlfriend, it stung with the painful memory of how Lucas treated me. I tried to push these memories back down my throat as he pore his feelings. I gave him the best advise I wish I could have given myself three years ago and the hurt in his face just exploded my heart.

Its ironic how today, out of all the days Tanner could have come in, Lucas was leaving town to Alaska again for months. I thought that he would have at least text me to say goodbye or shown he cared one last time but again, I've been disappointment with the thought of how great this kid could be. As the hours passed my phone remain lifeless. I am reminded of the regret that Lucas is to me.

This town feels so empty to me now. Before there was a pungent hope that lingered around me but now that "hope" is gone. I am also scared because now its time to stop running from these feelings toward him and face myself. What is it about Lucas, or every guy I date, that I am missing? What void am I failing to fill and how the fuck can I rid myself of this stabbing feeling?

When talking with Tanner it was so easy as an outsider to look in and know exactly the reason why he is dating this girl... to know the hurt and neglect he caused to so many while trapped in his drug phase. I need someone to step in and face me with my facts. I am so cloudy and confused that I think sex is love? David? I really thought for 2 days that I loved David, then today when this pain boiled out my eyes.

I want to be whole again. I want to enjoy real simple things like watching a smile crack across my grandma's face or laying my head in my moms lap while her silk hands brush my pain way. I want to be home and have the warm smells embrace me. Its been years since I've felt in the right, safe place. The second my feet escape my covers in the morning I feel like I'm entering foreign terrain.

I need the familiarity for home. I need to move home. 12 more days.

a mistake has sealed my fate...

I have been told a many time in my life that I like to make this as hard as possible for myself. This time is no exception...

I have known David since I was 15 and to be honest I never really took a second glance at him. When we were 16 I did discover his sense of humor was unlike anyone's I've ever encountered and then I decided he was a babe. So what did I do when I was 19? Slept with one of his friends, Kody. Not just once but for 6 months out of my life and this is a man that would forever and always been the one in question. Or maybe a surprise to others that I would "date" him. I hyphened date cause I dont like to but such a strong title on a sex buddy.

One night there were a lot of us driving out to a bonfire and I found myself inbetween David and Kody in the backseat of a car. There was a blanket over all of us and Kody and myself were holding hands. All the sudden I felt this long, hard hand sliding up my leg from the other side of my body... it was David! So, not wanting to make anything weird I just decided to hold both of their hands in secret, from everyone. I guess you could say this was the moment I knew that David wanted a little more than "friendship" from me.

Years and Years pass, again, without a thought of David. Then, Lucas and David because chums up here in the good ol' SLC. So, one night as I walked into Lucas's house I was shocked to see David, hanging out with the living room. Apperently he was sleeping on Lucas's couch while he found somewhere to live. I did really enjoy flirting with David but never was there sexual appeal.

Lucas left for Alaska for the first time that year and I swore him off for good (HA). David became Bretts new roommate, in Lucas's old house.

One night about 2 weeks before Lucas was going to come home from Alaska David called me and invited me for a beer at A Bar Named Sue. Not thinking twice, I went. I enjoyed being around David, his soothing voice with his giant body and semi girlie lisp. I drank a little more that night then I expected... a retired navy man kept on buying me shots. Being protective, or maybe horny looking back now, David insisted that I come back to his house until I sobered up.

When stumbled back to his house and laid in his bed, Lucas's bed. He was making me foot puppets on the ceiling and the next thing I knew my dress was off and my mouth was down south. To be honest I really dont remember a lot from that night but I do remember asking him not to tell Lucas and how sorry I was. David was not sorry. I was very weird and uncomfortable after that and I fled his house. David was practically running after me so he could walk me back to my car. I SUCKED DAVIDS WIENER! WHAT?! I feel like I was seduced by his sense of humor and thats not fair! I was in love with Lucas?! How sick was I that I just did that act to David but also in Lucas's bed? Fucked up...

Well, I found out not to long ago that David did tell Lucas about me giving him head the very next day. It was worded something like, "Hey Lucas, Jess gave me a rad blowjob last night.".

Rad blow job? I guess that a complement? I never could really understand why Lucas wanted 2 months to see me when he came home from Alaska that last winter but I sure as hell know why now.

Anyways, this whole story has led me up to this one I am about to tell, I slept with David.

Again, seduced by his humor and he is a lot better than I thought. Its funny how different things can be when you are sober. When I was drunk I thought: his kisses reminded me of a floppy, wet hotdog, his slender limps were really loose and his  "member" was very small. When I was sober: he was a better kisser than Lucas, his limps were tight and his "member" is better than Lucas's? To set the record start- anyone who can actually get a boner is better than Lucas for he has a "mushie" weird.

Anywho, forgive me father for I have sin and all the shit. I may or may not have done that for the wrong/right reason but mostly I was just really turned on and just happened to be at Davids house. I know everyone that I have told (my sister, brandi and sammy) have all said they thought I did it to get back at Lucas but just to set the record straight, Lucas has nothing to do with my decisions anymore. Its strange to me how I just woke up two weeks ago and didnt have a loving thought towards Lucas.

I love Lucas and spent a lot of time trying to make him love me but my love is too big for him. I am not IN love with Lucas anymore and I dont think that I will ever been there again. Just as it did with Devin and with every other I have loved, something died inside me that once lived for Lucas.

Sleeping with David was just insurance I guess?

Its a start of something new...

So,

Lucas decided to call it quits again...

This time I only cried once and started punching a metal box outside the W Lounge while talking to my friend Brandi. Maybe it was the punching or maybe it is the hurt but I am emotionless when it comes to him now.

We did have a text conversation the other day when I was, out of nowhere, filled with sadness and he came into my head after a month of not talking. I pushed the notion to contact him back into my head and told myself not to act silly. After hours of this feelings not going way I decided I needed to check on him. Not more than a second passed after I sent the message, he sent one back. I asked if he was doing ok and he replied, telling me that he was alright. We talked for a little and then... I said goodbye. I literally said goodbye. Not only to him but to him in my life. That night as I laid in bed all the mean, hurtful, awful things that we have done to one another throughout our time together crossed my mind.

Toward the end I decided the only thing that I wanted to give Lucas was my love. So, for the last two weeks thats all I did. I bought him little gifts I saw around town if they reminded him of me, I would text him throughout the day to see how he was doing and when I left him in the morning I would kiss his forehead. I did exactly what I told myself I was going to do and he just ran from me... this whole entire time I have been playing our problems back and forth in my head and please dont get me wrong, I know the mistakes I've made but loving him? That was no mistake and then my heart just shattered for him because it hit me so hard I literally stopped in my tracks walking into school...

How the hell can you except love when you dont love yourself?

Now, I have been told this over and over in my life but NEVER have I experienced it. And being told something and living it are two different things.

The only problem I can honestly see for me and Lucas is that I love him so deeply and he deosnt feel like he deserves it? That or, I will probably make more money than him someday and thats intimidating, or that his wiener never really got hard? Im trailing off and it may be any number of these but I truly cannot explain the sadness that fell over me that day and the hurt that I've felt these past weeks.

I am so happy in my life right now. I have come to terms that things will probably never work out the way I want them, doesnt mean that they are not right? But all and all, I am happy. Then, somedays I would get this cloud that would hang over me and when I tried to explain it anyone else they never could relate. Until I told Teri about them...

She told me that when people are close, we are connected to them. Even if that person is not in your life anymore, you are still connected. The sadness I was feeling was from him. I know this sounds so far fetched but I do not want to feel this anymore. I dont want to be dragged down or beaten up over this anymore. Three years is enough to be constantly pushed way from someone who doesnt even what they want, he knows he doesnt want to be with me but he also knows that he does want me in life. Thats just not fair to me.

And I have to confess something as well, when I think about him now I almost get a little turned off? I dont know how to explain this either! I have been so attracted to him for so long and now I get sick when I think about him?! COME ON HOW IS THAT FAIR!? Oh just the best sex ever and now I cannot even fathom the thought of being in the same room with him?

Im Fucked Up... for more reason than the one reason I just stated.

Now, the pain and hurt that Lucas has caused me doesnt go without its repercussions BECAUSE, this is the fucked up part, why do I think I need/deserve that in my life? Where, on my path, did I decide thats ok to be treated that way and that I dont deserve the love I give?

Now, that right there, something loving me the same amount as I loved Lucas? Scares the crap out of me. So, what am I getting at? In a nutshell, you and I my friend are ALL FUCKED UP. So how fucked up is it that GOD (or whatever) put a bunch of fucked up individuals on this earth to all potentially get along?

Ya, jokes on us right?

Im just being weird and tried so I am going to go to bed. And that last part, I dont really believe... just thought it was kinda funny. But no, I really believe that we are all fucked up and you know where that comes from? Our parents, so why would you ever want to make a baby to only fuck that thing up?

Crazy little thing we call life..

Take this poor broken heart of mine...

Take this poor broken heart of mine...

It is no use to me...

The broken pieces have been occupying the space where it once lay...

The sharp edges have been gliding across my insides...

With each jab comes a sting, a memory of you and I...

I wish I could forget how deeply I longed for you...

That space inside that is occupied with nothing...

It longs for nothing now...

How can it when nothing fills it...

Not joy, not happiness, not a hope for a new love...

Not even a hope for the last.

a love letter not sent

From the moment I laid my eyes on you I knew that our love would be the one to linger in my life.

This feeling I felt pierced my heart and the venom from that instantly stained my veins with thought of your touch.

The first time my flesh was bare in front of you; I saw the reaction my naked did to you, its been impossible to feel such comfort around anyone else.

Your lips fit inside of mine like a missing puzzle piece and since then I've not desired affection from anyone else.

I loved you so much for everything you were'nt and loving someone for what they are just isnt as passionate.

When your weighted body is on top of mine, the world stops and all my focus is forced to the pounding of your heart.

I've been tortured by the image of your body and I wake up in a panic at night remembering that you are not mine.

Just as you occupy every inch of my heart, someone else occupies yours making it incapable to love me.

I am yours. You're not mine.

             _________________________________________________________________

Whoever you think I wrote that for, its a safe bet.

I went to see Teri last week and while talking with her I realized I need to be alone. I shared this thought with her and she was supportive of it. She told me that I need to contact Lucas and explain to him the situation, seemed fair.

I text Lucas and told him I loved him deeply but that at this time in my life I need to be alone, to grow. He agreed and we stopped talking.

I guess I could explain, again, why all of this is happening. There is this thought in my head that Lucas has not let go of a gal he use to date. My intuition has always been so strong and I always fight it.

I confronted Lucas about this feeling and he didnt deny it which in sense confirmed it. I quietly left his house and decided I need to eject myself from this situation before Tims wedding. Tim, Devins little brother who is good friends with Lucas, is getting married next weekend. Lucas will be there, of course, as well as his ex girlfriend. I understand ones love for their first love and how no one can take that spot in your heart but the pain of him wanting to be with her would kill me. So before the wedding, I cut off communication. I do not want to know if he spends time with her or miss's her or they get back together.

So, needless to say I am heartbroken but this is all very very good for me. I've been trying to force Lucas for so long to love me or want any inch of him to be with me and I cant. All I can do is let him go... let fate run its corse.

What I do know is that we somehow have this insane connection and if he is the only person I ever feel that for, I will be grateful to have felt it.

We once looked up our birthdays together in the relationship book and its was so true. It said that we have a "fate" like feel to our relationship and its serendipitous, we love each other deeply. We do love each other and thats never been the problem. The problem has been we are not ready. So I will go live my life and he will go live his and I am confidant that what is meant to be mine will not be withheld from me. Whether its him or not him, everything in my life will be perfect because I wont except anything less.

It was hard to get to this point but another thing that has been comforting me are other peoples love stories. Some, if not all, of the stories I'vd heard lately go to the tune of this:
They dated, decided that they needed to go separate ways but still kept in contact. A couple of years go by and they got back together and still, to this day, are together.

Its funny when we open our ears and hearts the confirmation we get that we are on the right track.

I am sure that Lucas will never set eyes on this blog (GOD PLEASE SAY HE WONT) but if he does please take one thing from it all:
My love for you in endless
I am here always
and if you are ever ready for me, I'll be ready for you.

Happy Valentines day everyone

WORD VOMIFUCKT!

My mind is running one thousand right now, I'm fuming but first things first:

If any of you are reading this and taking what I say to the tenth degree, please stop. Those of you who truly know me and can appreciate the pure humor of my life, such as myself, divulge. I am fine and am only saying what most of you think but in a less censored manor.

Ok, ah... I started hanging out with Lucas and it has been brought to my attention that the problem just might be him and I think that just might be right. What kind of a lady who has been dragged around for two god damn years would still talk to him? Well, I would say this lady but more like this old lady? If that makes sense. I've changed and I took it so seriously when I promised myself that I would only let people into my life that wanted to be in. I am not forcing anyone to be apart of me but I am a pretty damn fun, sexy and giving/forgiving person so FUCK OFF.

Second, I hate Jesse. I am sure most of you do not know who Jesse is but she is a mexican, I dont know if thats true or not (but she looks like one), who works with me. Months ago tips were being stolen from my work and the front desk staff was accused of this.

Jesse was convinced that we, the front desk,  were the ones doing it and APPARENTLY she was telling my fellow co-works in the break room she it was me...

Have you ever been around someone and you can just smell the stench of hatred reeking from their body? Thats Jesse. There is only one other person whom I have come in contact with like this, Kyl Myers. I thought she was the only rotten bitch to rome this earth that people instantly and instinctively didnt like. Well, Kyl, you may have been topped. So if you were in fear of losing your crown, try a little harder, there is a new spawn in town.

Come to find out the tips were being stolen by our cleaning crew.

As Jesse was leaving the other day, before I found out she was talking shit (coward),  she wanted to pay for a treatment she had just received. I told her that I wouldn't be able to ring her out because the computers were down. Laughing, she said, "Well, its not like you dont know where I work or anything.". The smart ass I am, I replied, "Yea, either that or I could just start stealing your tips...".
I took a mental picture of her face as she processed this exchange... She rolled her eyes and huffed, "We figured out it was the cleaning crew.". No shit sherlock?!

I am going to say something to her tomorrow when we work together. Not mean, not accusing. I really do just want to ask her what has made her such a miserable human being? And why the fuck doesnt she get help? Has no one brought your attitude to your attention before? Has the fact that you never get a repeat request ever fazed you? Its because you are stewing in your self-hatred and its affecting me you rotten hag!

I am convinced that if I stood behind a corner and splashed her with salt she would bubble up like a snail...
I would be content if mass amounts of salt got in her eyes temporarily making her blind. Either scenario   is fine with me.

Guess what Jesse? If you have a problem with me, which you so obviously do, say it to my face, like I am going to say it to yours tomorrow. At least one of us is not a cowardly, shit talking, immigrant, whore.

I may or may not be taking some anger out on Jesse in this post but I can assure you that by tomorrow I will have regained my posher and will act like a LADY.

Had a great day. You have one too, tomorrow.

Jordan Douglas Brown

Today is my most handsome, loveably, loyal, charismatic brothers birthday.

I cherish him and wanted to devote this post today to him.

Growing up my brothers were thick as thieves. I remember them never leaving each others sides and I so desperately wanted my sister and myself to be that way.

They spent endless days jumping on the tramp and as I watched them from below I could have sworn they would take flight, thats how powerful I thought they were.

They would build huts in the trees that lined our fence and as I watched them hammer I could have sworn they were building a castle.

They would piece together legos that ended up as space ships and as I would peek my little head through the cracks in the door I longed to be sitting next to them.

They had bunk beds that they would leap on and off of making a thud and a crash when playing. When they would zip out of their room I would crawl out of the bathroom down stairs. Trying to mimic their movements; I slowly and carefully scaled the side of the bunks I imagined they were there with me, playing.

I looked up to those boys thinking they were so big and indestructible. Now that I'm grown up I still think the same.

I watch Jordan with his wife and child hoping I could meet someone like him someday.

For those of you who do not know Jordan, I take pity on you. His enormous heart can be felt from the steps outside his house. His deep voice can hug you through the phone and his wisdom can he shared from all the walks of his life.

I am proud of you Jord and I think how sad and empty my life would have been if I didnt have a brother just like you to look up to growing up. I take pride in knowing that there is a small piece of you in me that will never be lost and sometimes my laugh turns into yours; flashing all the happy memories we've shared.

All those time you found me crying alone and your warm, generous arms cradling me, back and fourth, back and fourth while you said, "everything will be ok. shhhh, dont you cry.".

There is one memory that will never fade from my heart and want to share with all of you. I keep this close to me:

I was leaving school, weeping, from the news that I have cancer. Speeding home, my phone was loud with continuous phone calls from family and friends. I wanted to be alone to process the information that was just slapped across my face.

When I reached my house, relief washed over me because it looked empty and cold. Perfect for crying, alone. As I cracked the door open and lifted my head, my blurry eyes were filled with images of my family, everyone. Mom, John, Grandpa, Grandma, Liz, Jordan, Ty, Kiel and Gavin.

Stunned, we all just sat there staring at one another. I felt like no one wanted to move or touch me in fear they might catch my deadly, festering disease.

Jordan stood up and I felt my knees go weak but before I could completely let go, he was there holding me up. Slowly he whispered into my ear, "What are you scared of?".
I couldnt even answer, I just cried from the warmth of his embrace. All I wanted for that split second and second after that was for him to hold me and burn the cancer out of me.

Days later he approached me with a poem he wrote to comfort me, and it goes like this:

My Sister

I think of my sister, Jessica sitting at home
Sometimes I wonder, do you feel alone?
What does it feel like to be you?
I dont think that I would fit in your shoe

Are you having a hard time?
What god has done to you is a crime.
Does what happen to you give you a scare?
If you need anything, dont you worry, I'll always be there.

I hope you can beat this awful thing.
If so, my heart will sing.
But what happens if you dont?
I pray to god if anything happens to you, that wont.

I think to myself, do I have to worry now?
If not me then who, and how?
I love my sis
More and More with every hug, with every kiss.

You and I are attached genetically,
If it happened to you could it happen to me?
You helped me make some good changes and I thank you.
It makes me think what more I can do.

There are going to be some hard times ahead.
So lets make them good so there will be no dread.
I cant believe you might be dying from cancer.
And Hopefully soon the doctors will find an answer.

By: Jordan Brown


Beautiful huh? I will have you know, Jordan, that I read this poem every single day when I was sick.

I love you for ever, I like you for always and as long as I am living, my brother you will be.

January 28th 1987

My Mom and Dad have told me the same stories each year on my birthday.

Dad: You were born early in the morning when it was still dark outside. The second that you were born it started to snow and it was the angels crying. They were crying because they lost you.

Mom: Jessica was my smallest child, 8 pounds and 1 once. She was my chubby chametti and when her brother and sister came to visit her at the hospital Tyler came up to me and said, "Mom, I like your baby.". When I asked Liz what we should name you she replied, "Barbie.".

This birthday was a little hard for me. Every year I cry but this year I cried because I am no longer able to be reckless and not be held for my actions. All and all, I had an amazing day and spent it with my close family and friends.

I want to change the subject for just a second. I know that my blog name could be very, very misleading. I would like to explain the reasoning why I chose "The Daughter Who Grew Up Without A Father".

I feel like most of the mistakes I've made in regards to men doesnt have to do with my dad treating me poorly because thats just the opposite. I am one lucky lady to have a father like mine. Yes, he wasnt around much growing up but I didnt know any different. My parents got a divorce when I was 2 so growing up I thought that it was only a mother and her grandparents. I didnt spend time with my dad but he was always loving towards me.

The Daughter Who Grew Up Without A Father is more in reference to not being comfortable around men because my dad wasnt there. Its really hard for me to think of my future and a man being the head of the house hold. I get uneasy when a guy wants to do simple things for me like: pay for dinner, take me to a movie or pay for anything. I am extremely insecure around men because I only really had my grandpa in my life until I was around 13.

If my daddy ever reads this and gets his feelings hurt from the title, I am sorry. It is not my intention and I hope the meaning will help more of you understand as well. My dad is always there for me and I turn to him, more often then my mama, for comforting. He is so kind hearted and soft, willing to lend a hand and I can tell how much he cherishes me from the look in his eyes. He never fails to tell me how proud he is of me and is as protective as a mama bear. He tells me when we go out he has to glare at all the men starting at me.

One memory I will hold dear to my heart:

When I was 16 I was diagnosed with a rare type of lymphoma and had to come up to the huntsman cancer center for treatment.

They took a large lump out from underneath my tongue and cut the lymph out of my neck. I had to be hospitalized for a week or so afterwards. I was in and out of consciousness from all the medication I soaking up. One night I remember fighting to wake myself up when a warm, large hand tucked underneath mine and held it so tight. After what seemed years to crack my eye open I saw my handsome father with head sunk down, weeping. He lifted his head to see my heavy eye lids sliding open and he whispered, "I love you, Jessica.". A smile formed on my lips and I fell fast asleep again feeling surrounded with love.

When I woke back up, he was gone but laying next to me was a black stuffed animal. Thinking my encounter was a dream, this was confirmation that it was reality because my papa is notorious for gifting stuff animals.

To this day I do not leave town without my "dog". He is a constant reminder of the deep, undying love my father has for me and from that night on I never questioned his love.

I love you daddy. You are the best and my life would be incomplete without you. Never question your past because it all happened for a reason and I am indebted to whomever brought you to this earth and made me your daughter.

Next time: stupid shit devin did in the bedroom....

Two and a half years of hell

Devin always accused me of cheating on him. If I went out to dinner with my grandparents I would be getting text from him asking how my new boyfriends dick tasted and how it felt kissing someone else's lips. I was mortified by some of the texts I would get from him being so accusatory that I couldnt respond thus making it worse.

When I would leave dinner with whomever I was with, He wouldnt answer. Then he would text me saying that hes tasting someone else's "thing" and that he would get back to me. This was a common exchange between the two of us. I would never accuse him of cheating on me though.

Devin and I broke up for two months once. This was the longest split we had ever had so thinking that it was over I was trying to move on. Devins little brother had an adorable friend, Lucas, who I was so sexually attracted to. If Lucas was ever over at their house I had to consciously force myself not to stare at him and day dream his body was on top of mine. It was so weird, from the second I met Lucas I wanted to jump his bones. So, naturally I went for him. I am ashamed and disgusted that I pursued him over Myspace. Ew, I am totally not one of those people but I was desperate for this little kid. He was 18?  I totally have a "thing" for men younger than me. That started my seinor year in High School, Bryce, but thats a story all in its own and I will tell you that next. Or was it in 5th grade when I was in love with a 3rd grader? His name was Cannon?

Anyways, I told Lucas to call me sometime and he totally did. We text for a little bit and one night he asked me to come over to see him. I put on some tight white pants, small little sweater and floated over to his house. I had a very long conversation with myself in the car. Jess, you do realize that this kid is Devins friend. Do you realize that there is going to be a consequence and that you cannot have sex with him. I got out of my car and he was waiting for me outside and grab me right when he saw me...
The Lucas and Jess story has been told before to please refer back to three little/big words.

So, Lucas and I spent time together for about a month. All the while I was talking to Devin, not sleeping with Devin. I was completely infatuated with Lucas and was really confused on what I wanted. Devin is so clearly not my type but being with someone who was constantly bringing you down and then pulling you back up is addicting. It was a roller coaster ride that I was getting addicted to and the normalcy of Lucas just wasn't challenging my abused brain. As a heroin addict needs his drug, my low self esteem need Devins abuse.

I told Lucas that I cannot talk to him anymore and that I was going to give Devin a chance again. He asked me not to but that he also wasn't going to stop me. Not that he could have but I will soon regret my decision...

Six months back into the relationship was when Devin found out about me and Lucas. I knew that he was going to but I decided a while ago that what I did when I wasnt with Devin was none of his business. Paul, a mutual friend of theirs, got upset with Lucas one night and seeking revenge he told Devin about my little secret.

That night Devin and I had gotten in a fight, nothing new, and he told me to go fuck someone else. After hours of calming him down and reassuring him that I was not going to "fuck" someone else he said that he couldn't wait to spend the next day with me and he missed me, yadayada. At 12:03am I received a phone call from Devin. This was standard for him to call me while drunk/stoned to tell me how much he adored me and feeling particularly low, I had to answer to hear those empty words after our fight.

"Jess, Did you fuck Lucas?". Oh man. I was silent. He asked me over and over and over and I couldn't reply. He hung up. He called me back. "JESS, YOU SLUT. DID YOU FUCK LUCAS?!". Finally I mustard up the strength and muttered, "Yes. I slept with Lucas.". I could feel the fire through the phone that was going out his ears. The phone fell silent and I looked at the screen, He hung up.

For the rest of the night I called, and called, and called. He would either answer and hang up or just not answer. That night I was in such a panic over the thought of loosing Devin and also couldnt go back to Lucas because he started dated someone. I felt so alone and was trembling over the thought of what Devin was going to do to me.

The next day my pillows were crusted with tears and I couldnt stop weeping. I hadnt heard anything from Devin and he refused to talk to me. Around 11:30 that night he called me severely intoxicated and laid into me. Called me a slut and he was just another notch on my belt, I am a whore and I dont deserve to be with him. I silently agreed and took the beating like a sad little puppy. He told me that he would call me tomorrow and let me know if I he wanted to be with me anymore.

I didnt leave my room for 3 days. I just cried as this pain took over my body not making it able to breath. I crawled out of my bed and ran myself a bath. I floated in the water until I noticed the stinging of cold. It was nice to feel something, anything at all, from the bitter cold water that cuddle around my body. As I got out of the tub my phone ringing, it was Devin. He asked if he could come talk to me. I looked in the mirror and my eyes were so swollen from crying that it was embarrassing. Not really wanting to be seen, I agreed anyways.

He walked through my sliding glass door and my heart stopped as I noticed he too was crying. His slender body slid into my bed and he turned his back towards me. I instantly attached my body to his and held him so tight. Tears welled up in my eyes and I mummer over and over was, "I am so sorry. I love you so much.". We laid there for hours crying with each other and towards 2:00am he finally faced me. I took my finger and ran it over his tears, put them on my lips and went in to kiss him. He jerked his head away, "I dont want to kiss you, Jess. You have broken my heart.". Understandable, but doesnt mean it didnt hurt just as bad.

He was explaining to me how bad he was hurting and how all he wanted to do was talk to his best friend about this problem but I was his best friend. As he kept unraveling his last three days he told me towards the end he came up with a solution to our problem, a way to gain his trust back. My world as I knew it was not over and I was so thankful for the second chance.

He solution: "You either let me fuck you up the ass or find one of your friends so I can fuck them.".

I wish someone would have taken a picture of my face the instant he told me his solution. Speechless, I couldnt talk. All I did was look into his empty eyes and at the moment I could only see hatred in them towards me. He didnt want to gain trust, he wanted to gain sexual favors. I was disgusted for two reason:
1. This is not a normal, sane humans ultimatum
2. He honestly thought that I had no love for myself and kicked me while I was down

Needless to say I told him I wouldn't do either of those things to gain his trust because thats disgusting and foul for him to suggest such a thing. He stormed out of my house yelling, "You dont give a fuck about me or else you would do one!".

Ya Devin, you're right. I didnt give a fuck about you because I was giving too much of a fuck about my shattered heart.

The next day I called him to see how he was. "Did you think about which one you wanted to do?", the first thing he asked me. I said, "Dev, im not doing either."
"Well then we dont need to be talking right now then."

We didnt talk for a week...

Faking an Orgasm, Ladies, should be against the law...

I have thought about this for a really, REALLY, really long time now. You are doing a serious disservice to the rest of us. Lets say you dated someone for one year and during that year,  unbeknownst to them, you never climaxed. You hooted and hollered while having sex, saying every nasty thing in the book just to help his ego. Trust me, none of them need help boosting their egos especially if they "think" they are a sex god.

Now the relationship is bound to go south. Eventually you will break up. You met up with all your girlfriends and comfort yourself in saying, "It's ok because she never actually got me off.". Understandable to be pissed about it and also at yourself. It would have taken you one time having sex with a guy to setup your preference. I know its intimidating but it must be done.

Now lets talk about the horrible damage you've done for the man and the next woman will not be thanking any lucky stars you had him first.

The "ex" talk is bound to happen when you start seeing someone new and most times men will say (before you read this part please read with any annoying voice you choose), "I always gave her an orgasm." I always get a little smirk on my face if anyone ever says this to me because no, you did not always give her an orgasm. This also tells me I do not want to have sex with this person...

But I get turned on while making out blah blah blah and one things turns into another and suddenly I'm naked? Their naked too? They insert their member and suddenly I feel like I entered a bounce house filled with 10 screaming, clawing children. Men, you cannot bounce an orgasm out of someone! Also, your dick doesn't twirl. What is that? Like when the guy is on-top of you and all the sudden he starts swaying and swing his hips like hes ho-la hooping? Hello, your dick does not motion your hips and I can assure you this will make any gal giggle.

Also, I know very little girls who like their hair pulled, tugged, maybe. But dont treat us like a horse you're riding. Lifting your hand full of our hair up and down, side to side, twirling and flinging, JUST PISSES THE HELL OUT OF ME! Not only is it messing it up that shit hurts to comb out.

I could go into much, much deeper but I just wanted to voice the seriousness of this problem... no a huge epidemic, men thinking they know how to give a gal an orgasm. Its not so easy for us, guys. Our vaginas are not like your penis's, not anything will stimulate it and we are not ever so uncontrollably horny that we will lower our standers to sleep with you.

Sex with any girl should and is a privilege. Also, actually giving someone an orgasm is a feat and one most of you have yet to accomplish. If any men reads this, just follow my advise ok? We dont like not knowing if you are having a seizure on top of us or is that convulsing really feels good to you.

Im done.

Two and a half years of hell

 Devin Richard Rasmussen...

Six months into any relationship you are still on your best behavior for that person, pretending to be something you want them to see and as time goes on that person you first met probably doesnt stray to far from that "pretend" person but Devin turned into your typical "A" asshole.

We were at his friend Steves house. I was sitting there in a dark, disgusting appartment with a fake smile plastered on my face. Devin was there to smoke weed and I am assuming Steves roommate was a dealer because he looked like a five year old whose body had been stretched to make him 6 feet tall. The dealer had long hair that had been combed in days and teeth that looked like carpet had started growing in the cracks. I was expecting a cockroach to crawl out of his nose and burry its crunchy body in his hair. I could describe this man for days so I will stop there, needless to say it was not a place where I fit in. The drug dealers girlfriend kept on trying to befriend me and find common grounds but she stopped when she noticed my body slowly leaning away from her.

As they were passing the pipe around the room the drug dealers girlfriend handed it to me and as I handed it to Devin everyone took a deep breathe as if I had offened someone. Looking around the room at their faces they were baffled and confused why I didnt take a puff. HELLO! Do I look like I fit in with you? Does it look like my life is anyway shape or form turning into your life anytime soon? Please, then the drug dealers girlfriend really didnt want anything to do with me. Devin said, "ya, jess doesnt smoke." They all kinda laughed and I thought this whole interchange was hilarious! So here I am, miss princess jess wearing my true religion jeans, nice shirt and my ALDO flats, completely out numbered. It was right then and there I decided never to go into a drug dealers house again. The world as I knew it completely shifted. I was the minority and heaven forbid you take care of yourself. It must be in a drug dealer hand book,
"Thou shalt not brush your teeth. Drug resin can attach to teeth being able to make your high last longer.
 Thou shalt not clean your countertops. Drug particles settle on undusted surfaces.
 Thou shalt not take showers. This makes your customers not want to be around you long thus making     more time for you and your drugs.
 Thou shalt only date women who resemble you and could be mistaken for your 12 year old sister. Cops are kinder to kids
 And if a non user comes to your house they are the minority."

Ok, I got sidetracked... After getting made fun of because I dont "smoke the dope" I started looking at Devins phone. Now, I know this sounds bad but I was only looking as research. I wanted to see the pictures I sent him so that I could come up with some new "looks" for furture ones. As I was scrolling through the pictures I noticed one flat assed "white" girl bending over that was so clearly not me. So I went into the data on this image and the picture was sent 1 week prior... we had been dating for 6 months. I placed the phone on his lap with the picture open. His high eyes and high brain couldn't process everything going on and he said this to me, "Baby, thats you."

HELLO JACKASS! I'VE GROWN UP WITH MY ASS, I'VE WIPPED THIS ASS FOR YEARS, MY ASS IS MY DAMN NEAR BEST FRIEND AND THAT BITCH ANIT' GOT NOTHING ON THIS ASS OF MINE!!!!!! Thats what I wanted to say, instead my eyes were filling up with tears so I walked out. His high, lanky, stumbling body came crawling out after me. I stood next to his car and he unlocked it and we both got in.

It was  silent and I had my head leaned against the window. I couldnt stop the tears from bursting out the lump in my throat got larger and larger and there was no comforting or apology. The car didnt even come to a stop as I leaped out. Both of my brothers were standing outside and instantly they went towards his tan neon car but before they could get to him he sped off. Their next priority was me. Being overly dramatic, as always, I laid in my bed bawling and Jordan came in, cradled me in his arms and told me its going to be ok.

Hours later I woke up from my crying comma. Immediately I crabbed my phone to see if Devin had contacted me. My phone was bone dry. Nothing! I called him so upset. Not only is he asking nasty trash girls to send him pictures but he didnt even call?!

"Hello", he said.
"What where you thinking Devin?"
"I wanted a picture of her so I asked her and she sent it. There is nothing else I can say and I am not going to apologize for it either. It happened."

I was speechless.
So, ask youself. Would you have left him? Sure, I bet any self respected girl would have but thats one thing that you all need to keep in mind. At this point I didnt have much self respect. I am not really sure what happened after that, its a blur. But we got back together and his dark evil hold got worse. Only because I set it up for him this way.

I will keep on posting stories about him because they are hilarious in there own way and secretly I would love Devin to read all of these.

Last night I cried over a pillow

Yes, you read it right. I cried over the loss of my pillow. I left it at "someones" house and was going to go pick it up but they were not home. So, I guess I started to cry because I realized I dont want to see this person anymore and "it" has my pillow.

Ever since I started seeing Teri, my therapist, she has brought so much love in my life and has made me realize the beautiful person underneath the darkness that has been consuming my life since Devin left it. This year 2012 I promised myself that I would love so many more people and those who couldnt reflect that love dont deserve to be apart of this and I found out last night that the "it" person I am referring to doesn't reflect my love at all. It could just be that they are scared or it could just be that they honestly and wholly dont love me, which would be hard to swallow, but either way my life will inevitably go on.
Who wouldnt want my love? Or my sex? HA

I deleted my journal entries from all of 2010 on accident. I thought a long time ago I would be clever and file them in a folder named "art shit.". Well I guess I am just to sly for my own damn good because I so calmly placed that folder in my "trash" and hit then "empty trash" button. Then the seriousness of my actions sunk in. MY WORLD IS GONE! All my hate letters to Devin and all the scandals with nameless men, GONE! So I am going to attempt to recreate my 2010. This might be really good for my soul. I am sure my hate letters will not be nearly as cutting and angry seeing as I could careless about him now.
I could also make shit up like I got Nick Carter to finally fall in love with me. Or, I got pregnant and had not slept with anyone in months so this would mean that the second coming was coming and I would need to warn all of man kind of the end thus making me famous!

I know I haven't mention Devin much in this blog so what a perfect time to start....
So, I was desperately in love with Matt Pace and he was desperately drinking/smoking his life way. When he would call me at 12:00 at night I thought it was so endearing and "oh my god he is a skate boarder.". Ya, he was using me for my milk shake. I was so heartbroken that he didnt instantly fall in love with me and I remember writing in my journal these exact words, " I am ready. I am ready to have my heart broken and give my heart fully to someone." Guess what happened next? I meant that fucker, Devin Rasmussen and he did exactly what I asked for, plus some.

I was 18 just about to turn 19 and my friend Tacee called me home because there was some people over. I raced home day dreaming that it was Matt and when I opened the door my eyes fell upon a 6"2 body frame that weight about 120 pounds. Thinking this must be a joke or Matt started doing heroin, Devin turned around and said hi.

Devin was not nor was ever my type but he was so damn persistent and I blame it on that.
The first night we hung out I was repulsed by him and wanted to rip my eyes and ears out.
The second time we hung out I sat at the other end of the couch and his slender body kept on sliding closer to me so I sat on the floor.
The third time we hung out he came to my work to sell my drug addicted boss a playstation 360.
The fourth time we were suppose to hang out I conveniently left my phone at home and went to a party with my friend Alison. About to take my first shot Alison's phone rings. She answers a number she doesnt know and looks at me puzzled... it was Devin. Ok, not only did he really want to hang out with me hes a fucking stalker! I told her to tell him that we are at a party and that she couldnt find me. He told her that when she found me that I "NEEDED" to call him. I dont do well when people tell me I "need" to do something so I didnt.
Hours later and drunk in the passenger seat I told Alison to give me her phone. I swear it didnt even ring once before I heard him SCREAMING at me through the phone. It was right then and there I decided I liked him.
New years came along and he was in Canada so I decided it was ok to kiss someone else, harmless, but that really upset him. To be honest we never had the "relationship" talk so I thought I was free to do whatever. But as time went on he made sure to break down my self-esteem so much that I didn't want to do anything but hate myself.

Story to be continued... i gotta go to the gym.

2012 according to me... jess b

Ok since I only have one year left to get this life right, according to the mayan calendar, I will set some unrealistic goals for myself. BUT before I tell you my goals I guess I should explain what has been going on since we last spoke...

Ok, Alaska, I went crazy. I drank the whole time I was there and tried to be overly dramatic and pushed Lucas away. Is anyone surprised? Im not but maybe because I know myself a lot better than any of you. I stop sleeping with Skylar (19 years old now... ya I know) hmmm, Oh ya, meant the supposed man of my dreams before I left for Alaska, Nick, who had really little balls, going to law school at columbia and was hairy but wouldnt and hadnt ever grown out his beard. Ya, I love hairy men so that should have been my sign or maybe the sign that he never called me when he was in town? Meh, oh well I am not too worried about it. Refuse to leave my abusive extremely slender ex boyfriend alone. I text him from time to time and tell him I miss his wiener but thats only to reassure myself that a man will still text me back. Hmmm, oh ya started drinking heavily and when I drank while sad I would end up cutting myself? Thats normal. My mom called me and told me in order to live in SLC still I would need to
 A. Go see a psychologist
B. go see her old shrink
 6 months later and medicated I am happy to say that I do NOT hurt myself anymore and am starting to love myself again. I am trying to think if I am missing anything.......
Oh, No match.com I am not that desperate, yet, but maybe someday soon.
So by the time I am almost 25 I have accomplished the following:
1. Went crazy
2. Work at a job that I will never move up in
3. Got a boob job (life long goal)
4. Almost have my hair covering my nipples
5. Managed to run every man i love out of my life
6. Stop bitting my nails
7. Take pills everyday to insure my sanity
8. Almost have an associates degree
9. Stop thinking that shoes will cure my life
10. and my mom paid of my car

Ok, resolution #1. I guess I am getting to the age that I need to date someone who is AT LEAST 1 year OLDER than me. I decided I am doing myself a disservice by sleeping with "boys". I recently read the book "The Male Brain" and it has helped me see into the brain of men. It also has me convinced I should not consider getting married until I am over the age of 35.

#2. Stop telling my mom shit. Especially when it come to whom I'm seeing or lack there of. I would say its once a month I get a call from her telling me that she knows so and so who married so and so and they are the nicest guy. As she is yaping my ear off about this prince charming, who I should have been nice to, I know that he is screwing an overweight nurse behind is wife's back. Oh, Im sorry? I should have snatched him up? Ya fucking right. Hey mom, I am fine not being married. IF you ever read this, I do love you so much just stop telling me how I let all the good ones go. There are no more good ones.

#3. Stop telling myself that I loved so many men. I was telling my dear friend, Brandi, a story about how in love I was with this kid and she stopped me and said, "I feel like you have been in deep love with so many people in your life." It hit me like a ton of bricks, I totally have but then when I think about it none of them ever gave me an orgasm? Weird, thats totally not love.

#4. Pay attention to myself. I wont elaborate on that one.

And remember my fair jess b, a way to a mans heart is his stomach, not your vagina. hehe

Hmmm, I think I've pretty much touched every subject on my mind.

I might make this blog public soon and if I do please do not take offense to any of the things I've posted about you. I love you all in your own way.