From the moment I laid my eyes on you I knew that our love would be the one to linger in my life.
This feeling I felt pierced my heart and the venom from that instantly stained my veins with thought of your touch.
The first time my flesh was bare in front of you; I saw the reaction my naked did to you, its been impossible to feel such comfort around anyone else.
Your lips fit inside of mine like a missing puzzle piece and since then I've not desired affection from anyone else.
I loved you so much for everything you were'nt and loving someone for what they are just isnt as passionate.
When your weighted body is on top of mine, the world stops and all my focus is forced to the pounding of your heart.
I've been tortured by the image of your body and I wake up in a panic at night remembering that you are not mine.
Just as you occupy every inch of my heart, someone else occupies yours making it incapable to love me.
I am yours. You're not mine.
_________________________________________________________________
Whoever you think I wrote that for, its a safe bet.
I went to see Teri last week and while talking with her I realized I need to be alone. I shared this thought with her and she was supportive of it. She told me that I need to contact Lucas and explain to him the situation, seemed fair.
I text Lucas and told him I loved him deeply but that at this time in my life I need to be alone, to grow. He agreed and we stopped talking.
I guess I could explain, again, why all of this is happening. There is this thought in my head that Lucas has not let go of a gal he use to date. My intuition has always been so strong and I always fight it.
I confronted Lucas about this feeling and he didnt deny it which in sense confirmed it. I quietly left his house and decided I need to eject myself from this situation before Tims wedding. Tim, Devins little brother who is good friends with Lucas, is getting married next weekend. Lucas will be there, of course, as well as his ex girlfriend. I understand ones love for their first love and how no one can take that spot in your heart but the pain of him wanting to be with her would kill me. So before the wedding, I cut off communication. I do not want to know if he spends time with her or miss's her or they get back together.
So, needless to say I am heartbroken but this is all very very good for me. I've been trying to force Lucas for so long to love me or want any inch of him to be with me and I cant. All I can do is let him go... let fate run its corse.
What I do know is that we somehow have this insane connection and if he is the only person I ever feel that for, I will be grateful to have felt it.
We once looked up our birthdays together in the relationship book and its was so true. It said that we have a "fate" like feel to our relationship and its serendipitous, we love each other deeply. We do love each other and thats never been the problem. The problem has been we are not ready. So I will go live my life and he will go live his and I am confidant that what is meant to be mine will not be withheld from me. Whether its him or not him, everything in my life will be perfect because I wont except anything less.
It was hard to get to this point but another thing that has been comforting me are other peoples love stories. Some, if not all, of the stories I'vd heard lately go to the tune of this:
They dated, decided that they needed to go separate ways but still kept in contact. A couple of years go by and they got back together and still, to this day, are together.
Its funny when we open our ears and hearts the confirmation we get that we are on the right track.
I am sure that Lucas will never set eyes on this blog (GOD PLEASE SAY HE WONT) but if he does please take one thing from it all:
My love for you in endless
I am here always
and if you are ever ready for me, I'll be ready for you.
Happy Valentines day everyone
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
WORD VOMIFUCKT!
My mind is running one thousand right now, I'm fuming but first things first:
If any of you are reading this and taking what I say to the tenth degree, please stop. Those of you who truly know me and can appreciate the pure humor of my life, such as myself, divulge. I am fine and am only saying what most of you think but in a less censored manor.
Ok, ah... I started hanging out with Lucas and it has been brought to my attention that the problem just might be him and I think that just might be right. What kind of a lady who has been dragged around for two god damn years would still talk to him? Well, I would say this lady but more like this old lady? If that makes sense. I've changed and I took it so seriously when I promised myself that I would only let people into my life that wanted to be in. I am not forcing anyone to be apart of me but I am a pretty damn fun, sexy and giving/forgiving person so FUCK OFF.
Second, I hate Jesse. I am sure most of you do not know who Jesse is but she is a mexican, I dont know if thats true or not (but she looks like one), who works with me. Months ago tips were being stolen from my work and the front desk staff was accused of this.
Jesse was convinced that we, the front desk, were the ones doing it and APPARENTLY she was telling my fellow co-works in the break room she it was me...
Have you ever been around someone and you can just smell the stench of hatred reeking from their body? Thats Jesse. There is only one other person whom I have come in contact with like this, Kyl Myers. I thought she was the only rotten bitch to rome this earth that people instantly and instinctively didnt like. Well, Kyl, you may have been topped. So if you were in fear of losing your crown, try a little harder, there is a new spawn in town.
Come to find out the tips were being stolen by our cleaning crew.
As Jesse was leaving the other day, before I found out she was talking shit (coward), she wanted to pay for a treatment she had just received. I told her that I wouldn't be able to ring her out because the computers were down. Laughing, she said, "Well, its not like you dont know where I work or anything.". The smart ass I am, I replied, "Yea, either that or I could just start stealing your tips...".
I took a mental picture of her face as she processed this exchange... She rolled her eyes and huffed, "We figured out it was the cleaning crew.". No shit sherlock?!
I am going to say something to her tomorrow when we work together. Not mean, not accusing. I really do just want to ask her what has made her such a miserable human being? And why the fuck doesnt she get help? Has no one brought your attitude to your attention before? Has the fact that you never get a repeat request ever fazed you? Its because you are stewing in your self-hatred and its affecting me you rotten hag!
I am convinced that if I stood behind a corner and splashed her with salt she would bubble up like a snail...
I would be content if mass amounts of salt got in her eyes temporarily making her blind. Either scenario is fine with me.
Guess what Jesse? If you have a problem with me, which you so obviously do, say it to my face, like I am going to say it to yours tomorrow. At least one of us is not a cowardly, shit talking, immigrant, whore.
I may or may not be taking some anger out on Jesse in this post but I can assure you that by tomorrow I will have regained my posher and will act like a LADY.
Had a great day. You have one too, tomorrow.
If any of you are reading this and taking what I say to the tenth degree, please stop. Those of you who truly know me and can appreciate the pure humor of my life, such as myself, divulge. I am fine and am only saying what most of you think but in a less censored manor.
Ok, ah... I started hanging out with Lucas and it has been brought to my attention that the problem just might be him and I think that just might be right. What kind of a lady who has been dragged around for two god damn years would still talk to him? Well, I would say this lady but more like this old lady? If that makes sense. I've changed and I took it so seriously when I promised myself that I would only let people into my life that wanted to be in. I am not forcing anyone to be apart of me but I am a pretty damn fun, sexy and giving/forgiving person so FUCK OFF.
Second, I hate Jesse. I am sure most of you do not know who Jesse is but she is a mexican, I dont know if thats true or not (but she looks like one), who works with me. Months ago tips were being stolen from my work and the front desk staff was accused of this.
Jesse was convinced that we, the front desk, were the ones doing it and APPARENTLY she was telling my fellow co-works in the break room she it was me...
Have you ever been around someone and you can just smell the stench of hatred reeking from their body? Thats Jesse. There is only one other person whom I have come in contact with like this, Kyl Myers. I thought she was the only rotten bitch to rome this earth that people instantly and instinctively didnt like. Well, Kyl, you may have been topped. So if you were in fear of losing your crown, try a little harder, there is a new spawn in town.
Come to find out the tips were being stolen by our cleaning crew.
As Jesse was leaving the other day, before I found out she was talking shit (coward), she wanted to pay for a treatment she had just received. I told her that I wouldn't be able to ring her out because the computers were down. Laughing, she said, "Well, its not like you dont know where I work or anything.". The smart ass I am, I replied, "Yea, either that or I could just start stealing your tips...".
I took a mental picture of her face as she processed this exchange... She rolled her eyes and huffed, "We figured out it was the cleaning crew.". No shit sherlock?!
I am going to say something to her tomorrow when we work together. Not mean, not accusing. I really do just want to ask her what has made her such a miserable human being? And why the fuck doesnt she get help? Has no one brought your attitude to your attention before? Has the fact that you never get a repeat request ever fazed you? Its because you are stewing in your self-hatred and its affecting me you rotten hag!
I am convinced that if I stood behind a corner and splashed her with salt she would bubble up like a snail...
I would be content if mass amounts of salt got in her eyes temporarily making her blind. Either scenario is fine with me.
Guess what Jesse? If you have a problem with me, which you so obviously do, say it to my face, like I am going to say it to yours tomorrow. At least one of us is not a cowardly, shit talking, immigrant, whore.
I may or may not be taking some anger out on Jesse in this post but I can assure you that by tomorrow I will have regained my posher and will act like a LADY.
Had a great day. You have one too, tomorrow.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Jordan Douglas Brown
Today is my most handsome, loveably, loyal, charismatic brothers birthday.
I cherish him and wanted to devote this post today to him.
Growing up my brothers were thick as thieves. I remember them never leaving each others sides and I so desperately wanted my sister and myself to be that way.
They spent endless days jumping on the tramp and as I watched them from below I could have sworn they would take flight, thats how powerful I thought they were.
They would build huts in the trees that lined our fence and as I watched them hammer I could have sworn they were building a castle.
They would piece together legos that ended up as space ships and as I would peek my little head through the cracks in the door I longed to be sitting next to them.
They had bunk beds that they would leap on and off of making a thud and a crash when playing. When they would zip out of their room I would crawl out of the bathroom down stairs. Trying to mimic their movements; I slowly and carefully scaled the side of the bunks I imagined they were there with me, playing.
I looked up to those boys thinking they were so big and indestructible. Now that I'm grown up I still think the same.
I watch Jordan with his wife and child hoping I could meet someone like him someday.
For those of you who do not know Jordan, I take pity on you. His enormous heart can be felt from the steps outside his house. His deep voice can hug you through the phone and his wisdom can he shared from all the walks of his life.
I am proud of you Jord and I think how sad and empty my life would have been if I didnt have a brother just like you to look up to growing up. I take pride in knowing that there is a small piece of you in me that will never be lost and sometimes my laugh turns into yours; flashing all the happy memories we've shared.
All those time you found me crying alone and your warm, generous arms cradling me, back and fourth, back and fourth while you said, "everything will be ok. shhhh, dont you cry.".
There is one memory that will never fade from my heart and want to share with all of you. I keep this close to me:
I was leaving school, weeping, from the news that I have cancer. Speeding home, my phone was loud with continuous phone calls from family and friends. I wanted to be alone to process the information that was just slapped across my face.
When I reached my house, relief washed over me because it looked empty and cold. Perfect for crying, alone. As I cracked the door open and lifted my head, my blurry eyes were filled with images of my family, everyone. Mom, John, Grandpa, Grandma, Liz, Jordan, Ty, Kiel and Gavin.
Stunned, we all just sat there staring at one another. I felt like no one wanted to move or touch me in fear they might catch my deadly, festering disease.
Jordan stood up and I felt my knees go weak but before I could completely let go, he was there holding me up. Slowly he whispered into my ear, "What are you scared of?".
I couldnt even answer, I just cried from the warmth of his embrace. All I wanted for that split second and second after that was for him to hold me and burn the cancer out of me.
Days later he approached me with a poem he wrote to comfort me, and it goes like this:
My Sister
I think of my sister, Jessica sitting at home
Sometimes I wonder, do you feel alone?
What does it feel like to be you?
I dont think that I would fit in your shoe
Are you having a hard time?
What god has done to you is a crime.
Does what happen to you give you a scare?
If you need anything, dont you worry, I'll always be there.
I hope you can beat this awful thing.
If so, my heart will sing.
But what happens if you dont?
I pray to god if anything happens to you, that wont.
I think to myself, do I have to worry now?
If not me then who, and how?
I love my sis
More and More with every hug, with every kiss.
You and I are attached genetically,
If it happened to you could it happen to me?
You helped me make some good changes and I thank you.
It makes me think what more I can do.
There are going to be some hard times ahead.
So lets make them good so there will be no dread.
I cant believe you might be dying from cancer.
And Hopefully soon the doctors will find an answer.
By: Jordan Brown
Beautiful huh? I will have you know, Jordan, that I read this poem every single day when I was sick.
I love you for ever, I like you for always and as long as I am living, my brother you will be.
I cherish him and wanted to devote this post today to him.
Growing up my brothers were thick as thieves. I remember them never leaving each others sides and I so desperately wanted my sister and myself to be that way.
They spent endless days jumping on the tramp and as I watched them from below I could have sworn they would take flight, thats how powerful I thought they were.
They would build huts in the trees that lined our fence and as I watched them hammer I could have sworn they were building a castle.
They would piece together legos that ended up as space ships and as I would peek my little head through the cracks in the door I longed to be sitting next to them.
They had bunk beds that they would leap on and off of making a thud and a crash when playing. When they would zip out of their room I would crawl out of the bathroom down stairs. Trying to mimic their movements; I slowly and carefully scaled the side of the bunks I imagined they were there with me, playing.
I looked up to those boys thinking they were so big and indestructible. Now that I'm grown up I still think the same.
I watch Jordan with his wife and child hoping I could meet someone like him someday.
For those of you who do not know Jordan, I take pity on you. His enormous heart can be felt from the steps outside his house. His deep voice can hug you through the phone and his wisdom can he shared from all the walks of his life.
I am proud of you Jord and I think how sad and empty my life would have been if I didnt have a brother just like you to look up to growing up. I take pride in knowing that there is a small piece of you in me that will never be lost and sometimes my laugh turns into yours; flashing all the happy memories we've shared.
All those time you found me crying alone and your warm, generous arms cradling me, back and fourth, back and fourth while you said, "everything will be ok. shhhh, dont you cry.".
There is one memory that will never fade from my heart and want to share with all of you. I keep this close to me:
I was leaving school, weeping, from the news that I have cancer. Speeding home, my phone was loud with continuous phone calls from family and friends. I wanted to be alone to process the information that was just slapped across my face.
When I reached my house, relief washed over me because it looked empty and cold. Perfect for crying, alone. As I cracked the door open and lifted my head, my blurry eyes were filled with images of my family, everyone. Mom, John, Grandpa, Grandma, Liz, Jordan, Ty, Kiel and Gavin.
Stunned, we all just sat there staring at one another. I felt like no one wanted to move or touch me in fear they might catch my deadly, festering disease.
Jordan stood up and I felt my knees go weak but before I could completely let go, he was there holding me up. Slowly he whispered into my ear, "What are you scared of?".
I couldnt even answer, I just cried from the warmth of his embrace. All I wanted for that split second and second after that was for him to hold me and burn the cancer out of me.
Days later he approached me with a poem he wrote to comfort me, and it goes like this:
My Sister
I think of my sister, Jessica sitting at home
Sometimes I wonder, do you feel alone?
What does it feel like to be you?
I dont think that I would fit in your shoe
Are you having a hard time?
What god has done to you is a crime.
Does what happen to you give you a scare?
If you need anything, dont you worry, I'll always be there.
I hope you can beat this awful thing.
If so, my heart will sing.
But what happens if you dont?
I pray to god if anything happens to you, that wont.
I think to myself, do I have to worry now?
If not me then who, and how?
I love my sis
More and More with every hug, with every kiss.
You and I are attached genetically,
If it happened to you could it happen to me?
You helped me make some good changes and I thank you.
It makes me think what more I can do.
There are going to be some hard times ahead.
So lets make them good so there will be no dread.
I cant believe you might be dying from cancer.
And Hopefully soon the doctors will find an answer.
By: Jordan Brown
Beautiful huh? I will have you know, Jordan, that I read this poem every single day when I was sick.
I love you for ever, I like you for always and as long as I am living, my brother you will be.
Monday, January 30, 2012
January 28th 1987
My Mom and Dad have told me the same stories each year on my birthday.
Dad: You were born early in the morning when it was still dark outside. The second that you were born it started to snow and it was the angels crying. They were crying because they lost you.
Mom: Jessica was my smallest child, 8 pounds and 1 once. She was my chubby chametti and when her brother and sister came to visit her at the hospital Tyler came up to me and said, "Mom, I like your baby.". When I asked Liz what we should name you she replied, "Barbie.".
This birthday was a little hard for me. Every year I cry but this year I cried because I am no longer able to be reckless and not be held for my actions. All and all, I had an amazing day and spent it with my close family and friends.
I want to change the subject for just a second. I know that my blog name could be very, very misleading. I would like to explain the reasoning why I chose "The Daughter Who Grew Up Without A Father".
I feel like most of the mistakes I've made in regards to men doesnt have to do with my dad treating me poorly because thats just the opposite. I am one lucky lady to have a father like mine. Yes, he wasnt around much growing up but I didnt know any different. My parents got a divorce when I was 2 so growing up I thought that it was only a mother and her grandparents. I didnt spend time with my dad but he was always loving towards me.
The Daughter Who Grew Up Without A Father is more in reference to not being comfortable around men because my dad wasnt there. Its really hard for me to think of my future and a man being the head of the house hold. I get uneasy when a guy wants to do simple things for me like: pay for dinner, take me to a movie or pay for anything. I am extremely insecure around men because I only really had my grandpa in my life until I was around 13.
If my daddy ever reads this and gets his feelings hurt from the title, I am sorry. It is not my intention and I hope the meaning will help more of you understand as well. My dad is always there for me and I turn to him, more often then my mama, for comforting. He is so kind hearted and soft, willing to lend a hand and I can tell how much he cherishes me from the look in his eyes. He never fails to tell me how proud he is of me and is as protective as a mama bear. He tells me when we go out he has to glare at all the men starting at me.
One memory I will hold dear to my heart:
When I was 16 I was diagnosed with a rare type of lymphoma and had to come up to the huntsman cancer center for treatment.
They took a large lump out from underneath my tongue and cut the lymph out of my neck. I had to be hospitalized for a week or so afterwards. I was in and out of consciousness from all the medication I soaking up. One night I remember fighting to wake myself up when a warm, large hand tucked underneath mine and held it so tight. After what seemed years to crack my eye open I saw my handsome father with head sunk down, weeping. He lifted his head to see my heavy eye lids sliding open and he whispered, "I love you, Jessica.". A smile formed on my lips and I fell fast asleep again feeling surrounded with love.
When I woke back up, he was gone but laying next to me was a black stuffed animal. Thinking my encounter was a dream, this was confirmation that it was reality because my papa is notorious for gifting stuff animals.
To this day I do not leave town without my "dog". He is a constant reminder of the deep, undying love my father has for me and from that night on I never questioned his love.
I love you daddy. You are the best and my life would be incomplete without you. Never question your past because it all happened for a reason and I am indebted to whomever brought you to this earth and made me your daughter.
Next time: stupid shit devin did in the bedroom....
Dad: You were born early in the morning when it was still dark outside. The second that you were born it started to snow and it was the angels crying. They were crying because they lost you.
Mom: Jessica was my smallest child, 8 pounds and 1 once. She was my chubby chametti and when her brother and sister came to visit her at the hospital Tyler came up to me and said, "Mom, I like your baby.". When I asked Liz what we should name you she replied, "Barbie.".
This birthday was a little hard for me. Every year I cry but this year I cried because I am no longer able to be reckless and not be held for my actions. All and all, I had an amazing day and spent it with my close family and friends.
I want to change the subject for just a second. I know that my blog name could be very, very misleading. I would like to explain the reasoning why I chose "The Daughter Who Grew Up Without A Father".
I feel like most of the mistakes I've made in regards to men doesnt have to do with my dad treating me poorly because thats just the opposite. I am one lucky lady to have a father like mine. Yes, he wasnt around much growing up but I didnt know any different. My parents got a divorce when I was 2 so growing up I thought that it was only a mother and her grandparents. I didnt spend time with my dad but he was always loving towards me.
The Daughter Who Grew Up Without A Father is more in reference to not being comfortable around men because my dad wasnt there. Its really hard for me to think of my future and a man being the head of the house hold. I get uneasy when a guy wants to do simple things for me like: pay for dinner, take me to a movie or pay for anything. I am extremely insecure around men because I only really had my grandpa in my life until I was around 13.
If my daddy ever reads this and gets his feelings hurt from the title, I am sorry. It is not my intention and I hope the meaning will help more of you understand as well. My dad is always there for me and I turn to him, more often then my mama, for comforting. He is so kind hearted and soft, willing to lend a hand and I can tell how much he cherishes me from the look in his eyes. He never fails to tell me how proud he is of me and is as protective as a mama bear. He tells me when we go out he has to glare at all the men starting at me.
One memory I will hold dear to my heart:
When I was 16 I was diagnosed with a rare type of lymphoma and had to come up to the huntsman cancer center for treatment.
They took a large lump out from underneath my tongue and cut the lymph out of my neck. I had to be hospitalized for a week or so afterwards. I was in and out of consciousness from all the medication I soaking up. One night I remember fighting to wake myself up when a warm, large hand tucked underneath mine and held it so tight. After what seemed years to crack my eye open I saw my handsome father with head sunk down, weeping. He lifted his head to see my heavy eye lids sliding open and he whispered, "I love you, Jessica.". A smile formed on my lips and I fell fast asleep again feeling surrounded with love.
When I woke back up, he was gone but laying next to me was a black stuffed animal. Thinking my encounter was a dream, this was confirmation that it was reality because my papa is notorious for gifting stuff animals.
To this day I do not leave town without my "dog". He is a constant reminder of the deep, undying love my father has for me and from that night on I never questioned his love.
I love you daddy. You are the best and my life would be incomplete without you. Never question your past because it all happened for a reason and I am indebted to whomever brought you to this earth and made me your daughter.
Next time: stupid shit devin did in the bedroom....
Friday, January 27, 2012
Two and a half years of hell
Devin always accused me of cheating on him. If I went out to dinner with my grandparents I would be getting text from him asking how my new boyfriends dick tasted and how it felt kissing someone else's lips. I was mortified by some of the texts I would get from him being so accusatory that I couldnt respond thus making it worse.
When I would leave dinner with whomever I was with, He wouldnt answer. Then he would text me saying that hes tasting someone else's "thing" and that he would get back to me. This was a common exchange between the two of us. I would never accuse him of cheating on me though.
Devin and I broke up for two months once. This was the longest split we had ever had so thinking that it was over I was trying to move on. Devins little brother had an adorable friend, Lucas, who I was so sexually attracted to. If Lucas was ever over at their house I had to consciously force myself not to stare at him and day dream his body was on top of mine. It was so weird, from the second I met Lucas I wanted to jump his bones. So, naturally I went for him. I am ashamed and disgusted that I pursued him over Myspace. Ew, I am totally not one of those people but I was desperate for this little kid. He was 18? I totally have a "thing" for men younger than me. That started my seinor year in High School, Bryce, but thats a story all in its own and I will tell you that next. Or was it in 5th grade when I was in love with a 3rd grader? His name was Cannon?
Anyways, I told Lucas to call me sometime and he totally did. We text for a little bit and one night he asked me to come over to see him. I put on some tight white pants, small little sweater and floated over to his house. I had a very long conversation with myself in the car. Jess, you do realize that this kid is Devins friend. Do you realize that there is going to be a consequence and that you cannot have sex with him. I got out of my car and he was waiting for me outside and grab me right when he saw me...
The Lucas and Jess story has been told before to please refer back to three little/big words.
So, Lucas and I spent time together for about a month. All the while I was talking to Devin, not sleeping with Devin. I was completely infatuated with Lucas and was really confused on what I wanted. Devin is so clearly not my type but being with someone who was constantly bringing you down and then pulling you back up is addicting. It was a roller coaster ride that I was getting addicted to and the normalcy of Lucas just wasn't challenging my abused brain. As a heroin addict needs his drug, my low self esteem need Devins abuse.
I told Lucas that I cannot talk to him anymore and that I was going to give Devin a chance again. He asked me not to but that he also wasn't going to stop me. Not that he could have but I will soon regret my decision...
Six months back into the relationship was when Devin found out about me and Lucas. I knew that he was going to but I decided a while ago that what I did when I wasnt with Devin was none of his business. Paul, a mutual friend of theirs, got upset with Lucas one night and seeking revenge he told Devin about my little secret.
That night Devin and I had gotten in a fight, nothing new, and he told me to go fuck someone else. After hours of calming him down and reassuring him that I was not going to "fuck" someone else he said that he couldn't wait to spend the next day with me and he missed me, yadayada. At 12:03am I received a phone call from Devin. This was standard for him to call me while drunk/stoned to tell me how much he adored me and feeling particularly low, I had to answer to hear those empty words after our fight.
"Jess, Did you fuck Lucas?". Oh man. I was silent. He asked me over and over and over and I couldn't reply. He hung up. He called me back. "JESS, YOU SLUT. DID YOU FUCK LUCAS?!". Finally I mustard up the strength and muttered, "Yes. I slept with Lucas.". I could feel the fire through the phone that was going out his ears. The phone fell silent and I looked at the screen, He hung up.
For the rest of the night I called, and called, and called. He would either answer and hang up or just not answer. That night I was in such a panic over the thought of loosing Devin and also couldnt go back to Lucas because he started dated someone. I felt so alone and was trembling over the thought of what Devin was going to do to me.
The next day my pillows were crusted with tears and I couldnt stop weeping. I hadnt heard anything from Devin and he refused to talk to me. Around 11:30 that night he called me severely intoxicated and laid into me. Called me a slut and he was just another notch on my belt, I am a whore and I dont deserve to be with him. I silently agreed and took the beating like a sad little puppy. He told me that he would call me tomorrow and let me know if I he wanted to be with me anymore.
I didnt leave my room for 3 days. I just cried as this pain took over my body not making it able to breath. I crawled out of my bed and ran myself a bath. I floated in the water until I noticed the stinging of cold. It was nice to feel something, anything at all, from the bitter cold water that cuddle around my body. As I got out of the tub my phone ringing, it was Devin. He asked if he could come talk to me. I looked in the mirror and my eyes were so swollen from crying that it was embarrassing. Not really wanting to be seen, I agreed anyways.
He walked through my sliding glass door and my heart stopped as I noticed he too was crying. His slender body slid into my bed and he turned his back towards me. I instantly attached my body to his and held him so tight. Tears welled up in my eyes and I mummer over and over was, "I am so sorry. I love you so much.". We laid there for hours crying with each other and towards 2:00am he finally faced me. I took my finger and ran it over his tears, put them on my lips and went in to kiss him. He jerked his head away, "I dont want to kiss you, Jess. You have broken my heart.". Understandable, but doesnt mean it didnt hurt just as bad.
He was explaining to me how bad he was hurting and how all he wanted to do was talk to his best friend about this problem but I was his best friend. As he kept unraveling his last three days he told me towards the end he came up with a solution to our problem, a way to gain his trust back. My world as I knew it was not over and I was so thankful for the second chance.
He solution: "You either let me fuck you up the ass or find one of your friends so I can fuck them.".
I wish someone would have taken a picture of my face the instant he told me his solution. Speechless, I couldnt talk. All I did was look into his empty eyes and at the moment I could only see hatred in them towards me. He didnt want to gain trust, he wanted to gain sexual favors. I was disgusted for two reason:
1. This is not a normal, sane humans ultimatum
2. He honestly thought that I had no love for myself and kicked me while I was down
Needless to say I told him I wouldn't do either of those things to gain his trust because thats disgusting and foul for him to suggest such a thing. He stormed out of my house yelling, "You dont give a fuck about me or else you would do one!".
Ya Devin, you're right. I didnt give a fuck about you because I was giving too much of a fuck about my shattered heart.
The next day I called him to see how he was. "Did you think about which one you wanted to do?", the first thing he asked me. I said, "Dev, im not doing either."
"Well then we dont need to be talking right now then."
We didnt talk for a week...
When I would leave dinner with whomever I was with, He wouldnt answer. Then he would text me saying that hes tasting someone else's "thing" and that he would get back to me. This was a common exchange between the two of us. I would never accuse him of cheating on me though.
Devin and I broke up for two months once. This was the longest split we had ever had so thinking that it was over I was trying to move on. Devins little brother had an adorable friend, Lucas, who I was so sexually attracted to. If Lucas was ever over at their house I had to consciously force myself not to stare at him and day dream his body was on top of mine. It was so weird, from the second I met Lucas I wanted to jump his bones. So, naturally I went for him. I am ashamed and disgusted that I pursued him over Myspace. Ew, I am totally not one of those people but I was desperate for this little kid. He was 18? I totally have a "thing" for men younger than me. That started my seinor year in High School, Bryce, but thats a story all in its own and I will tell you that next. Or was it in 5th grade when I was in love with a 3rd grader? His name was Cannon?
Anyways, I told Lucas to call me sometime and he totally did. We text for a little bit and one night he asked me to come over to see him. I put on some tight white pants, small little sweater and floated over to his house. I had a very long conversation with myself in the car. Jess, you do realize that this kid is Devins friend. Do you realize that there is going to be a consequence and that you cannot have sex with him. I got out of my car and he was waiting for me outside and grab me right when he saw me...
The Lucas and Jess story has been told before to please refer back to three little/big words.
So, Lucas and I spent time together for about a month. All the while I was talking to Devin, not sleeping with Devin. I was completely infatuated with Lucas and was really confused on what I wanted. Devin is so clearly not my type but being with someone who was constantly bringing you down and then pulling you back up is addicting. It was a roller coaster ride that I was getting addicted to and the normalcy of Lucas just wasn't challenging my abused brain. As a heroin addict needs his drug, my low self esteem need Devins abuse.
I told Lucas that I cannot talk to him anymore and that I was going to give Devin a chance again. He asked me not to but that he also wasn't going to stop me. Not that he could have but I will soon regret my decision...
Six months back into the relationship was when Devin found out about me and Lucas. I knew that he was going to but I decided a while ago that what I did when I wasnt with Devin was none of his business. Paul, a mutual friend of theirs, got upset with Lucas one night and seeking revenge he told Devin about my little secret.
That night Devin and I had gotten in a fight, nothing new, and he told me to go fuck someone else. After hours of calming him down and reassuring him that I was not going to "fuck" someone else he said that he couldn't wait to spend the next day with me and he missed me, yadayada. At 12:03am I received a phone call from Devin. This was standard for him to call me while drunk/stoned to tell me how much he adored me and feeling particularly low, I had to answer to hear those empty words after our fight.
"Jess, Did you fuck Lucas?". Oh man. I was silent. He asked me over and over and over and I couldn't reply. He hung up. He called me back. "JESS, YOU SLUT. DID YOU FUCK LUCAS?!". Finally I mustard up the strength and muttered, "Yes. I slept with Lucas.". I could feel the fire through the phone that was going out his ears. The phone fell silent and I looked at the screen, He hung up.
For the rest of the night I called, and called, and called. He would either answer and hang up or just not answer. That night I was in such a panic over the thought of loosing Devin and also couldnt go back to Lucas because he started dated someone. I felt so alone and was trembling over the thought of what Devin was going to do to me.
The next day my pillows were crusted with tears and I couldnt stop weeping. I hadnt heard anything from Devin and he refused to talk to me. Around 11:30 that night he called me severely intoxicated and laid into me. Called me a slut and he was just another notch on my belt, I am a whore and I dont deserve to be with him. I silently agreed and took the beating like a sad little puppy. He told me that he would call me tomorrow and let me know if I he wanted to be with me anymore.
I didnt leave my room for 3 days. I just cried as this pain took over my body not making it able to breath. I crawled out of my bed and ran myself a bath. I floated in the water until I noticed the stinging of cold. It was nice to feel something, anything at all, from the bitter cold water that cuddle around my body. As I got out of the tub my phone ringing, it was Devin. He asked if he could come talk to me. I looked in the mirror and my eyes were so swollen from crying that it was embarrassing. Not really wanting to be seen, I agreed anyways.
He walked through my sliding glass door and my heart stopped as I noticed he too was crying. His slender body slid into my bed and he turned his back towards me. I instantly attached my body to his and held him so tight. Tears welled up in my eyes and I mummer over and over was, "I am so sorry. I love you so much.". We laid there for hours crying with each other and towards 2:00am he finally faced me. I took my finger and ran it over his tears, put them on my lips and went in to kiss him. He jerked his head away, "I dont want to kiss you, Jess. You have broken my heart.". Understandable, but doesnt mean it didnt hurt just as bad.
He was explaining to me how bad he was hurting and how all he wanted to do was talk to his best friend about this problem but I was his best friend. As he kept unraveling his last three days he told me towards the end he came up with a solution to our problem, a way to gain his trust back. My world as I knew it was not over and I was so thankful for the second chance.
He solution: "You either let me fuck you up the ass or find one of your friends so I can fuck them.".
I wish someone would have taken a picture of my face the instant he told me his solution. Speechless, I couldnt talk. All I did was look into his empty eyes and at the moment I could only see hatred in them towards me. He didnt want to gain trust, he wanted to gain sexual favors. I was disgusted for two reason:
1. This is not a normal, sane humans ultimatum
2. He honestly thought that I had no love for myself and kicked me while I was down
Needless to say I told him I wouldn't do either of those things to gain his trust because thats disgusting and foul for him to suggest such a thing. He stormed out of my house yelling, "You dont give a fuck about me or else you would do one!".
Ya Devin, you're right. I didnt give a fuck about you because I was giving too much of a fuck about my shattered heart.
The next day I called him to see how he was. "Did you think about which one you wanted to do?", the first thing he asked me. I said, "Dev, im not doing either."
"Well then we dont need to be talking right now then."
We didnt talk for a week...
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Faking an Orgasm, Ladies, should be against the law...
I have thought about this for a really, REALLY, really long time now. You are doing a serious disservice to the rest of us. Lets say you dated someone for one year and during that year, unbeknownst to them, you never climaxed. You hooted and hollered while having sex, saying every nasty thing in the book just to help his ego. Trust me, none of them need help boosting their egos especially if they "think" they are a sex god.
Now the relationship is bound to go south. Eventually you will break up. You met up with all your girlfriends and comfort yourself in saying, "It's ok because she never actually got me off.". Understandable to be pissed about it and also at yourself. It would have taken you one time having sex with a guy to setup your preference. I know its intimidating but it must be done.
Now lets talk about the horrible damage you've done for the man and the next woman will not be thanking any lucky stars you had him first.
The "ex" talk is bound to happen when you start seeing someone new and most times men will say (before you read this part please read with any annoying voice you choose), "I always gave her an orgasm." I always get a little smirk on my face if anyone ever says this to me because no, you did not always give her an orgasm. This also tells me I do not want to have sex with this person...
But I get turned on while making out blah blah blah and one things turns into another and suddenly I'm naked? Their naked too? They insert their member and suddenly I feel like I entered a bounce house filled with 10 screaming, clawing children. Men, you cannot bounce an orgasm out of someone! Also, your dick doesn't twirl. What is that? Like when the guy is on-top of you and all the sudden he starts swaying and swing his hips like hes ho-la hooping? Hello, your dick does not motion your hips and I can assure you this will make any gal giggle.
Also, I know very little girls who like their hair pulled, tugged, maybe. But dont treat us like a horse you're riding. Lifting your hand full of our hair up and down, side to side, twirling and flinging, JUST PISSES THE HELL OUT OF ME! Not only is it messing it up that shit hurts to comb out.
I could go into much, much deeper but I just wanted to voice the seriousness of this problem... no a huge epidemic, men thinking they know how to give a gal an orgasm. Its not so easy for us, guys. Our vaginas are not like your penis's, not anything will stimulate it and we are not ever so uncontrollably horny that we will lower our standers to sleep with you.
Sex with any girl should and is a privilege. Also, actually giving someone an orgasm is a feat and one most of you have yet to accomplish. If any men reads this, just follow my advise ok? We dont like not knowing if you are having a seizure on top of us or is that convulsing really feels good to you.
Im done.
Now the relationship is bound to go south. Eventually you will break up. You met up with all your girlfriends and comfort yourself in saying, "It's ok because she never actually got me off.". Understandable to be pissed about it and also at yourself. It would have taken you one time having sex with a guy to setup your preference. I know its intimidating but it must be done.
Now lets talk about the horrible damage you've done for the man and the next woman will not be thanking any lucky stars you had him first.
The "ex" talk is bound to happen when you start seeing someone new and most times men will say (before you read this part please read with any annoying voice you choose), "I always gave her an orgasm." I always get a little smirk on my face if anyone ever says this to me because no, you did not always give her an orgasm. This also tells me I do not want to have sex with this person...
But I get turned on while making out blah blah blah and one things turns into another and suddenly I'm naked? Their naked too? They insert their member and suddenly I feel like I entered a bounce house filled with 10 screaming, clawing children. Men, you cannot bounce an orgasm out of someone! Also, your dick doesn't twirl. What is that? Like when the guy is on-top of you and all the sudden he starts swaying and swing his hips like hes ho-la hooping? Hello, your dick does not motion your hips and I can assure you this will make any gal giggle.
Also, I know very little girls who like their hair pulled, tugged, maybe. But dont treat us like a horse you're riding. Lifting your hand full of our hair up and down, side to side, twirling and flinging, JUST PISSES THE HELL OUT OF ME! Not only is it messing it up that shit hurts to comb out.
I could go into much, much deeper but I just wanted to voice the seriousness of this problem... no a huge epidemic, men thinking they know how to give a gal an orgasm. Its not so easy for us, guys. Our vaginas are not like your penis's, not anything will stimulate it and we are not ever so uncontrollably horny that we will lower our standers to sleep with you.
Sex with any girl should and is a privilege. Also, actually giving someone an orgasm is a feat and one most of you have yet to accomplish. If any men reads this, just follow my advise ok? We dont like not knowing if you are having a seizure on top of us or is that convulsing really feels good to you.
Im done.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Two and a half years of hell
Devin Richard Rasmussen...
Six months into any relationship you are still on your best behavior for that person, pretending to be something you want them to see and as time goes on that person you first met probably doesnt stray to far from that "pretend" person but Devin turned into your typical "A" asshole.
We were at his friend Steves house. I was sitting there in a dark, disgusting appartment with a fake smile plastered on my face. Devin was there to smoke weed and I am assuming Steves roommate was a dealer because he looked like a five year old whose body had been stretched to make him 6 feet tall. The dealer had long hair that had been combed in days and teeth that looked like carpet had started growing in the cracks. I was expecting a cockroach to crawl out of his nose and burry its crunchy body in his hair. I could describe this man for days so I will stop there, needless to say it was not a place where I fit in. The drug dealers girlfriend kept on trying to befriend me and find common grounds but she stopped when she noticed my body slowly leaning away from her.
As they were passing the pipe around the room the drug dealers girlfriend handed it to me and as I handed it to Devin everyone took a deep breathe as if I had offened someone. Looking around the room at their faces they were baffled and confused why I didnt take a puff. HELLO! Do I look like I fit in with you? Does it look like my life is anyway shape or form turning into your life anytime soon? Please, then the drug dealers girlfriend really didnt want anything to do with me. Devin said, "ya, jess doesnt smoke." They all kinda laughed and I thought this whole interchange was hilarious! So here I am, miss princess jess wearing my true religion jeans, nice shirt and my ALDO flats, completely out numbered. It was right then and there I decided never to go into a drug dealers house again. The world as I knew it completely shifted. I was the minority and heaven forbid you take care of yourself. It must be in a drug dealer hand book,
"Thou shalt not brush your teeth. Drug resin can attach to teeth being able to make your high last longer.
Thou shalt not clean your countertops. Drug particles settle on undusted surfaces.
Thou shalt not take showers. This makes your customers not want to be around you long thus making more time for you and your drugs.
Thou shalt only date women who resemble you and could be mistaken for your 12 year old sister. Cops are kinder to kids
And if a non user comes to your house they are the minority."
Ok, I got sidetracked... After getting made fun of because I dont "smoke the dope" I started looking at Devins phone. Now, I know this sounds bad but I was only looking as research. I wanted to see the pictures I sent him so that I could come up with some new "looks" for furture ones. As I was scrolling through the pictures I noticed one flat assed "white" girl bending over that was so clearly not me. So I went into the data on this image and the picture was sent 1 week prior... we had been dating for 6 months. I placed the phone on his lap with the picture open. His high eyes and high brain couldn't process everything going on and he said this to me, "Baby, thats you."
HELLO JACKASS! I'VE GROWN UP WITH MY ASS, I'VE WIPPED THIS ASS FOR YEARS, MY ASS IS MY DAMN NEAR BEST FRIEND AND THAT BITCH ANIT' GOT NOTHING ON THIS ASS OF MINE!!!!!! Thats what I wanted to say, instead my eyes were filling up with tears so I walked out. His high, lanky, stumbling body came crawling out after me. I stood next to his car and he unlocked it and we both got in.
It was silent and I had my head leaned against the window. I couldnt stop the tears from bursting out the lump in my throat got larger and larger and there was no comforting or apology. The car didnt even come to a stop as I leaped out. Both of my brothers were standing outside and instantly they went towards his tan neon car but before they could get to him he sped off. Their next priority was me. Being overly dramatic, as always, I laid in my bed bawling and Jordan came in, cradled me in his arms and told me its going to be ok.
Hours later I woke up from my crying comma. Immediately I crabbed my phone to see if Devin had contacted me. My phone was bone dry. Nothing! I called him so upset. Not only is he asking nasty trash girls to send him pictures but he didnt even call?!
"Hello", he said.
"What where you thinking Devin?"
"I wanted a picture of her so I asked her and she sent it. There is nothing else I can say and I am not going to apologize for it either. It happened."
I was speechless.
So, ask youself. Would you have left him? Sure, I bet any self respected girl would have but thats one thing that you all need to keep in mind. At this point I didnt have much self respect. I am not really sure what happened after that, its a blur. But we got back together and his dark evil hold got worse. Only because I set it up for him this way.
I will keep on posting stories about him because they are hilarious in there own way and secretly I would love Devin to read all of these.
Six months into any relationship you are still on your best behavior for that person, pretending to be something you want them to see and as time goes on that person you first met probably doesnt stray to far from that "pretend" person but Devin turned into your typical "A" asshole.
We were at his friend Steves house. I was sitting there in a dark, disgusting appartment with a fake smile plastered on my face. Devin was there to smoke weed and I am assuming Steves roommate was a dealer because he looked like a five year old whose body had been stretched to make him 6 feet tall. The dealer had long hair that had been combed in days and teeth that looked like carpet had started growing in the cracks. I was expecting a cockroach to crawl out of his nose and burry its crunchy body in his hair. I could describe this man for days so I will stop there, needless to say it was not a place where I fit in. The drug dealers girlfriend kept on trying to befriend me and find common grounds but she stopped when she noticed my body slowly leaning away from her.
As they were passing the pipe around the room the drug dealers girlfriend handed it to me and as I handed it to Devin everyone took a deep breathe as if I had offened someone. Looking around the room at their faces they were baffled and confused why I didnt take a puff. HELLO! Do I look like I fit in with you? Does it look like my life is anyway shape or form turning into your life anytime soon? Please, then the drug dealers girlfriend really didnt want anything to do with me. Devin said, "ya, jess doesnt smoke." They all kinda laughed and I thought this whole interchange was hilarious! So here I am, miss princess jess wearing my true religion jeans, nice shirt and my ALDO flats, completely out numbered. It was right then and there I decided never to go into a drug dealers house again. The world as I knew it completely shifted. I was the minority and heaven forbid you take care of yourself. It must be in a drug dealer hand book,
"Thou shalt not brush your teeth. Drug resin can attach to teeth being able to make your high last longer.
Thou shalt not clean your countertops. Drug particles settle on undusted surfaces.
Thou shalt not take showers. This makes your customers not want to be around you long thus making more time for you and your drugs.
Thou shalt only date women who resemble you and could be mistaken for your 12 year old sister. Cops are kinder to kids
And if a non user comes to your house they are the minority."
Ok, I got sidetracked... After getting made fun of because I dont "smoke the dope" I started looking at Devins phone. Now, I know this sounds bad but I was only looking as research. I wanted to see the pictures I sent him so that I could come up with some new "looks" for furture ones. As I was scrolling through the pictures I noticed one flat assed "white" girl bending over that was so clearly not me. So I went into the data on this image and the picture was sent 1 week prior... we had been dating for 6 months. I placed the phone on his lap with the picture open. His high eyes and high brain couldn't process everything going on and he said this to me, "Baby, thats you."
HELLO JACKASS! I'VE GROWN UP WITH MY ASS, I'VE WIPPED THIS ASS FOR YEARS, MY ASS IS MY DAMN NEAR BEST FRIEND AND THAT BITCH ANIT' GOT NOTHING ON THIS ASS OF MINE!!!!!! Thats what I wanted to say, instead my eyes were filling up with tears so I walked out. His high, lanky, stumbling body came crawling out after me. I stood next to his car and he unlocked it and we both got in.
It was silent and I had my head leaned against the window. I couldnt stop the tears from bursting out the lump in my throat got larger and larger and there was no comforting or apology. The car didnt even come to a stop as I leaped out. Both of my brothers were standing outside and instantly they went towards his tan neon car but before they could get to him he sped off. Their next priority was me. Being overly dramatic, as always, I laid in my bed bawling and Jordan came in, cradled me in his arms and told me its going to be ok.
Hours later I woke up from my crying comma. Immediately I crabbed my phone to see if Devin had contacted me. My phone was bone dry. Nothing! I called him so upset. Not only is he asking nasty trash girls to send him pictures but he didnt even call?!
"Hello", he said.
"What where you thinking Devin?"
"I wanted a picture of her so I asked her and she sent it. There is nothing else I can say and I am not going to apologize for it either. It happened."
I was speechless.
So, ask youself. Would you have left him? Sure, I bet any self respected girl would have but thats one thing that you all need to keep in mind. At this point I didnt have much self respect. I am not really sure what happened after that, its a blur. But we got back together and his dark evil hold got worse. Only because I set it up for him this way.
I will keep on posting stories about him because they are hilarious in there own way and secretly I would love Devin to read all of these.
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