A wise woman once told me...

I've decided to post a article of hope or be a bit brighter for a change.

My mom, among one of the smartest people I've had the pleasure of knowing, painted me a picture of hope in one of my gloom and doom episodes and it goes...

Our life is comparable to "marbles"

Close your eyes and picture a thousand of marbles standing still in a small area. You being the only white one surrounded by black marbles. A shift happens and you see all the marbles, including yourself, start to bounce off one another, rolling together or drifting until you settle back into a new position. You may miss the other marbles you were once with but nothing is permanent in this new situation. Sure enough as the sun rises, there will be another shift and marbles that were once together, drift apart, going to new marbles or settle back in with familiar marbles. 

So, life is not like a box of chocolates, life is like a room full of marbles. We cannot always determine where we are going or even who are with but we sure as hell can return at any point we have once been. 

my heart hurts today

I thought today was fine. I went to court for a speeding ticket, the price was not nearly as much as I thought it would have been, went into work and cleaned for hours, talked with loved ones and as I walked out the front door 10 hours later, I felt so lonely.

Let me start from where I think is the beginning....
My dear friend, Tanner, came into the spa today to scan a document to email to his father. I could tell that something was making him sad so I asked him if he was okay. He said no, he was sad/upset about something going on in his relationship. As he spoke to me about his problem with his girlfriend, it stung with the painful memory of how Lucas treated me. I tried to push these memories back down my throat as he pore his feelings. I gave him the best advise I wish I could have given myself three years ago and the hurt in his face just exploded my heart.

Its ironic how today, out of all the days Tanner could have come in, Lucas was leaving town to Alaska again for months. I thought that he would have at least text me to say goodbye or shown he cared one last time but again, I've been disappointment with the thought of how great this kid could be. As the hours passed my phone remain lifeless. I am reminded of the regret that Lucas is to me.

This town feels so empty to me now. Before there was a pungent hope that lingered around me but now that "hope" is gone. I am also scared because now its time to stop running from these feelings toward him and face myself. What is it about Lucas, or every guy I date, that I am missing? What void am I failing to fill and how the fuck can I rid myself of this stabbing feeling?

When talking with Tanner it was so easy as an outsider to look in and know exactly the reason why he is dating this girl... to know the hurt and neglect he caused to so many while trapped in his drug phase. I need someone to step in and face me with my facts. I am so cloudy and confused that I think sex is love? David? I really thought for 2 days that I loved David, then today when this pain boiled out my eyes.

I want to be whole again. I want to enjoy real simple things like watching a smile crack across my grandma's face or laying my head in my moms lap while her silk hands brush my pain way. I want to be home and have the warm smells embrace me. Its been years since I've felt in the right, safe place. The second my feet escape my covers in the morning I feel like I'm entering foreign terrain.

I need the familiarity for home. I need to move home. 12 more days.

a mistake has sealed my fate...

I have been told a many time in my life that I like to make this as hard as possible for myself. This time is no exception...

I have known David since I was 15 and to be honest I never really took a second glance at him. When we were 16 I did discover his sense of humor was unlike anyone's I've ever encountered and then I decided he was a babe. So what did I do when I was 19? Slept with one of his friends, Kody. Not just once but for 6 months out of my life and this is a man that would forever and always been the one in question. Or maybe a surprise to others that I would "date" him. I hyphened date cause I dont like to but such a strong title on a sex buddy.

One night there were a lot of us driving out to a bonfire and I found myself inbetween David and Kody in the backseat of a car. There was a blanket over all of us and Kody and myself were holding hands. All the sudden I felt this long, hard hand sliding up my leg from the other side of my body... it was David! So, not wanting to make anything weird I just decided to hold both of their hands in secret, from everyone. I guess you could say this was the moment I knew that David wanted a little more than "friendship" from me.

Years and Years pass, again, without a thought of David. Then, Lucas and David because chums up here in the good ol' SLC. So, one night as I walked into Lucas's house I was shocked to see David, hanging out with the living room. Apperently he was sleeping on Lucas's couch while he found somewhere to live. I did really enjoy flirting with David but never was there sexual appeal.

Lucas left for Alaska for the first time that year and I swore him off for good (HA). David became Bretts new roommate, in Lucas's old house.

One night about 2 weeks before Lucas was going to come home from Alaska David called me and invited me for a beer at A Bar Named Sue. Not thinking twice, I went. I enjoyed being around David, his soothing voice with his giant body and semi girlie lisp. I drank a little more that night then I expected... a retired navy man kept on buying me shots. Being protective, or maybe horny looking back now, David insisted that I come back to his house until I sobered up.

When stumbled back to his house and laid in his bed, Lucas's bed. He was making me foot puppets on the ceiling and the next thing I knew my dress was off and my mouth was down south. To be honest I really dont remember a lot from that night but I do remember asking him not to tell Lucas and how sorry I was. David was not sorry. I was very weird and uncomfortable after that and I fled his house. David was practically running after me so he could walk me back to my car. I SUCKED DAVIDS WIENER! WHAT?! I feel like I was seduced by his sense of humor and thats not fair! I was in love with Lucas?! How sick was I that I just did that act to David but also in Lucas's bed? Fucked up...

Well, I found out not to long ago that David did tell Lucas about me giving him head the very next day. It was worded something like, "Hey Lucas, Jess gave me a rad blowjob last night.".

Rad blow job? I guess that a complement? I never could really understand why Lucas wanted 2 months to see me when he came home from Alaska that last winter but I sure as hell know why now.

Anyways, this whole story has led me up to this one I am about to tell, I slept with David.

Again, seduced by his humor and he is a lot better than I thought. Its funny how different things can be when you are sober. When I was drunk I thought: his kisses reminded me of a floppy, wet hotdog, his slender limps were really loose and his  "member" was very small. When I was sober: he was a better kisser than Lucas, his limps were tight and his "member" is better than Lucas's? To set the record start- anyone who can actually get a boner is better than Lucas for he has a "mushie" weird.

Anywho, forgive me father for I have sin and all the shit. I may or may not have done that for the wrong/right reason but mostly I was just really turned on and just happened to be at Davids house. I know everyone that I have told (my sister, brandi and sammy) have all said they thought I did it to get back at Lucas but just to set the record straight, Lucas has nothing to do with my decisions anymore. Its strange to me how I just woke up two weeks ago and didnt have a loving thought towards Lucas.

I love Lucas and spent a lot of time trying to make him love me but my love is too big for him. I am not IN love with Lucas anymore and I dont think that I will ever been there again. Just as it did with Devin and with every other I have loved, something died inside me that once lived for Lucas.

Sleeping with David was just insurance I guess?

Its a start of something new...

So,

Lucas decided to call it quits again...

This time I only cried once and started punching a metal box outside the W Lounge while talking to my friend Brandi. Maybe it was the punching or maybe it is the hurt but I am emotionless when it comes to him now.

We did have a text conversation the other day when I was, out of nowhere, filled with sadness and he came into my head after a month of not talking. I pushed the notion to contact him back into my head and told myself not to act silly. After hours of this feelings not going way I decided I needed to check on him. Not more than a second passed after I sent the message, he sent one back. I asked if he was doing ok and he replied, telling me that he was alright. We talked for a little and then... I said goodbye. I literally said goodbye. Not only to him but to him in my life. That night as I laid in bed all the mean, hurtful, awful things that we have done to one another throughout our time together crossed my mind.

Toward the end I decided the only thing that I wanted to give Lucas was my love. So, for the last two weeks thats all I did. I bought him little gifts I saw around town if they reminded him of me, I would text him throughout the day to see how he was doing and when I left him in the morning I would kiss his forehead. I did exactly what I told myself I was going to do and he just ran from me... this whole entire time I have been playing our problems back and forth in my head and please dont get me wrong, I know the mistakes I've made but loving him? That was no mistake and then my heart just shattered for him because it hit me so hard I literally stopped in my tracks walking into school...

How the hell can you except love when you dont love yourself?

Now, I have been told this over and over in my life but NEVER have I experienced it. And being told something and living it are two different things.

The only problem I can honestly see for me and Lucas is that I love him so deeply and he deosnt feel like he deserves it? That or, I will probably make more money than him someday and thats intimidating, or that his wiener never really got hard? Im trailing off and it may be any number of these but I truly cannot explain the sadness that fell over me that day and the hurt that I've felt these past weeks.

I am so happy in my life right now. I have come to terms that things will probably never work out the way I want them, doesnt mean that they are not right? But all and all, I am happy. Then, somedays I would get this cloud that would hang over me and when I tried to explain it anyone else they never could relate. Until I told Teri about them...

She told me that when people are close, we are connected to them. Even if that person is not in your life anymore, you are still connected. The sadness I was feeling was from him. I know this sounds so far fetched but I do not want to feel this anymore. I dont want to be dragged down or beaten up over this anymore. Three years is enough to be constantly pushed way from someone who doesnt even what they want, he knows he doesnt want to be with me but he also knows that he does want me in life. Thats just not fair to me.

And I have to confess something as well, when I think about him now I almost get a little turned off? I dont know how to explain this either! I have been so attracted to him for so long and now I get sick when I think about him?! COME ON HOW IS THAT FAIR!? Oh just the best sex ever and now I cannot even fathom the thought of being in the same room with him?

Im Fucked Up... for more reason than the one reason I just stated.

Now, the pain and hurt that Lucas has caused me doesnt go without its repercussions BECAUSE, this is the fucked up part, why do I think I need/deserve that in my life? Where, on my path, did I decide thats ok to be treated that way and that I dont deserve the love I give?

Now, that right there, something loving me the same amount as I loved Lucas? Scares the crap out of me. So, what am I getting at? In a nutshell, you and I my friend are ALL FUCKED UP. So how fucked up is it that GOD (or whatever) put a bunch of fucked up individuals on this earth to all potentially get along?

Ya, jokes on us right?

Im just being weird and tried so I am going to go to bed. And that last part, I dont really believe... just thought it was kinda funny. But no, I really believe that we are all fucked up and you know where that comes from? Our parents, so why would you ever want to make a baby to only fuck that thing up?

Crazy little thing we call life..

Take this poor broken heart of mine...

Take this poor broken heart of mine...

It is no use to me...

The broken pieces have been occupying the space where it once lay...

The sharp edges have been gliding across my insides...

With each jab comes a sting, a memory of you and I...

I wish I could forget how deeply I longed for you...

That space inside that is occupied with nothing...

It longs for nothing now...

How can it when nothing fills it...

Not joy, not happiness, not a hope for a new love...

Not even a hope for the last.

a love letter not sent

From the moment I laid my eyes on you I knew that our love would be the one to linger in my life.

This feeling I felt pierced my heart and the venom from that instantly stained my veins with thought of your touch.

The first time my flesh was bare in front of you; I saw the reaction my naked did to you, its been impossible to feel such comfort around anyone else.

Your lips fit inside of mine like a missing puzzle piece and since then I've not desired affection from anyone else.

I loved you so much for everything you were'nt and loving someone for what they are just isnt as passionate.

When your weighted body is on top of mine, the world stops and all my focus is forced to the pounding of your heart.

I've been tortured by the image of your body and I wake up in a panic at night remembering that you are not mine.

Just as you occupy every inch of my heart, someone else occupies yours making it incapable to love me.

I am yours. You're not mine.

             _________________________________________________________________

Whoever you think I wrote that for, its a safe bet.

I went to see Teri last week and while talking with her I realized I need to be alone. I shared this thought with her and she was supportive of it. She told me that I need to contact Lucas and explain to him the situation, seemed fair.

I text Lucas and told him I loved him deeply but that at this time in my life I need to be alone, to grow. He agreed and we stopped talking.

I guess I could explain, again, why all of this is happening. There is this thought in my head that Lucas has not let go of a gal he use to date. My intuition has always been so strong and I always fight it.

I confronted Lucas about this feeling and he didnt deny it which in sense confirmed it. I quietly left his house and decided I need to eject myself from this situation before Tims wedding. Tim, Devins little brother who is good friends with Lucas, is getting married next weekend. Lucas will be there, of course, as well as his ex girlfriend. I understand ones love for their first love and how no one can take that spot in your heart but the pain of him wanting to be with her would kill me. So before the wedding, I cut off communication. I do not want to know if he spends time with her or miss's her or they get back together.

So, needless to say I am heartbroken but this is all very very good for me. I've been trying to force Lucas for so long to love me or want any inch of him to be with me and I cant. All I can do is let him go... let fate run its corse.

What I do know is that we somehow have this insane connection and if he is the only person I ever feel that for, I will be grateful to have felt it.

We once looked up our birthdays together in the relationship book and its was so true. It said that we have a "fate" like feel to our relationship and its serendipitous, we love each other deeply. We do love each other and thats never been the problem. The problem has been we are not ready. So I will go live my life and he will go live his and I am confidant that what is meant to be mine will not be withheld from me. Whether its him or not him, everything in my life will be perfect because I wont except anything less.

It was hard to get to this point but another thing that has been comforting me are other peoples love stories. Some, if not all, of the stories I'vd heard lately go to the tune of this:
They dated, decided that they needed to go separate ways but still kept in contact. A couple of years go by and they got back together and still, to this day, are together.

Its funny when we open our ears and hearts the confirmation we get that we are on the right track.

I am sure that Lucas will never set eyes on this blog (GOD PLEASE SAY HE WONT) but if he does please take one thing from it all:
My love for you in endless
I am here always
and if you are ever ready for me, I'll be ready for you.

Happy Valentines day everyone

WORD VOMIFUCKT!

My mind is running one thousand right now, I'm fuming but first things first:

If any of you are reading this and taking what I say to the tenth degree, please stop. Those of you who truly know me and can appreciate the pure humor of my life, such as myself, divulge. I am fine and am only saying what most of you think but in a less censored manor.

Ok, ah... I started hanging out with Lucas and it has been brought to my attention that the problem just might be him and I think that just might be right. What kind of a lady who has been dragged around for two god damn years would still talk to him? Well, I would say this lady but more like this old lady? If that makes sense. I've changed and I took it so seriously when I promised myself that I would only let people into my life that wanted to be in. I am not forcing anyone to be apart of me but I am a pretty damn fun, sexy and giving/forgiving person so FUCK OFF.

Second, I hate Jesse. I am sure most of you do not know who Jesse is but she is a mexican, I dont know if thats true or not (but she looks like one), who works with me. Months ago tips were being stolen from my work and the front desk staff was accused of this.

Jesse was convinced that we, the front desk,  were the ones doing it and APPARENTLY she was telling my fellow co-works in the break room she it was me...

Have you ever been around someone and you can just smell the stench of hatred reeking from their body? Thats Jesse. There is only one other person whom I have come in contact with like this, Kyl Myers. I thought she was the only rotten bitch to rome this earth that people instantly and instinctively didnt like. Well, Kyl, you may have been topped. So if you were in fear of losing your crown, try a little harder, there is a new spawn in town.

Come to find out the tips were being stolen by our cleaning crew.

As Jesse was leaving the other day, before I found out she was talking shit (coward),  she wanted to pay for a treatment she had just received. I told her that I wouldn't be able to ring her out because the computers were down. Laughing, she said, "Well, its not like you dont know where I work or anything.". The smart ass I am, I replied, "Yea, either that or I could just start stealing your tips...".
I took a mental picture of her face as she processed this exchange... She rolled her eyes and huffed, "We figured out it was the cleaning crew.". No shit sherlock?!

I am going to say something to her tomorrow when we work together. Not mean, not accusing. I really do just want to ask her what has made her such a miserable human being? And why the fuck doesnt she get help? Has no one brought your attitude to your attention before? Has the fact that you never get a repeat request ever fazed you? Its because you are stewing in your self-hatred and its affecting me you rotten hag!

I am convinced that if I stood behind a corner and splashed her with salt she would bubble up like a snail...
I would be content if mass amounts of salt got in her eyes temporarily making her blind. Either scenario   is fine with me.

Guess what Jesse? If you have a problem with me, which you so obviously do, say it to my face, like I am going to say it to yours tomorrow. At least one of us is not a cowardly, shit talking, immigrant, whore.

I may or may not be taking some anger out on Jesse in this post but I can assure you that by tomorrow I will have regained my posher and will act like a LADY.

Had a great day. You have one too, tomorrow.